How to behave on the uni bus

Taking the trip between Stirling city centre and the campus is a vital part of being a Stirling student, so we are here to provide some general rules in order for you to get by this daily journey.

Rule one: Don’t ask ‘where is this bus going?’

Rules on bus etiquette do not only apply when you are on the bus itself, but start before you are about to board. We feel it is pretty obvious where the buses are going as it is emblazoned on the side of it that this is going to uni, so the question “where is this bus going?” is not an acceptable question to be asking.

It’s pretty obvious

We, of course sympathise with those who ask this question when boarding at the campus and heading into the city, and it is reasonably early into the semester. But when it gets to March and you are still asking this question, then it may be a sign you will not progress in life enough to be boarding anything but a bus.

Rule two: Note money is banned

Unless you are buying a monthly or weekly pass then there is no need to be handing the driver a £20 note, the most you will be paying is £1.70. Handing the driver a 20 only means the driver will look at you as if you’ve just handed him a map on how to get to campus and you will be pissing everyone off behind you as well. Is it really too much to ask for you to have at least two pound coins? Go and buy something before you get on the bus. Ask someone you know if they have change. Anything! Just put the 20 back in your pocket. Please also do not ask the driver if you can pay by card- no really, people do ask that.

Not acceptable

Rule three: Do not sit next to anyone unless it is totally necessary

When you board the bus there is now a process you must go through to determine where to sit. This is more difficult than it first seems. Firstly, you need to find two seats that no one is sitting, because you do not want to unnecessarily reduce the space you need or sit next to anyone. Second, if this option is not available to you then you must evaluate which person looks the least unbearable to sit next to for the next 15 minutes, but this must be done whilst walking up the aisle. Don’t stand and look at people because you’ll look like a weirdo and no one will want you next to them. Thirdly, do not try to engage with the person you end up sitting next to.

Rule four: Pressing the button is not necessary

When the bus is climbing up the hill and passed the sports centre and coming closer to its stop on campus, there is no need to press the “stop” button when you are approaching the stop. It is not as if the driver is going to go around the turning circle and back out the other side and drive back out of the campus again and say “oh sorry, was I meant to stop there? No one pressed the button.”

Have you ever pressed the button when a normal, local, bus is coming into the bus station? No, because that would be stupid, you’re doing exactly the same thing. You’re telling the driver to stop somewhere he is was going to anyway.

Rule five: Do not confuse local buses

Now, it is not only ULs that go up to campus, there is also the 54, 54A, 62 and 63. Do not get these buses mixed up. Mix up your 62 from your 63 and you’ll end up in Alloa- there’s nothing interesting there, but no big deal it’s not that far and you can catch the train back. Mixing up the 54 and 54A however is a major error. Before you have realised it, you will be on a scenic tour of Scotland and that 15 minute journey into the city becomes a 45 minute survival through Cowie where you become inspired to really get on with that 2,500 word essay you were putting off, because you feel you will end up living here.

This doesn’t feel right

Rule six: Do not leave it too late to get back to the city

So, you’ve been having a heavy library session and it’s getting pretty late, you can probably get away with doing this work in your flat, but there’s a problem, you just missed the 9 o’clock bus and there isn’t another bus until about 10. When you commit to this bus it’s not any old bus, this is the bus stopping at Fubar. Even though you have put your earphones in you can still hear the Willow Court pub crawl singing Rangers and Celtic songs at each other.

You try to ignore him, but you can’t help but notice the guy sitting next to you who keeps falling on you and there is no way you can move to another seat because the bus is packed and you will be crushed by everyone doing the booncey. Eventually, this guy doesn’t look very well and you have to accept that your textbook on the History of Colonised America is now covered in whitey. Moral of the story, plan the library session and do not end up on the night buses.

If you follow these rules then the daily commute to and from campus will be a stress free as it can be, or just buy a car, or if you’re really keen, walk.