Kitty’s in Fife is the most underrated club in Scotland

Or is it Kandy?

At the heart of the Fife town of Kirkcaldy, there is an infamous place named Kitty’s – and it is one of the best worst clubs in the country.

Fife doesn’t spring to mind with a lot of Scots when travelling away for a good night out: it’s Fife after all. But travelling to Kirkcaldy for a night out unearths a rough diamond in Kitty’s, and yes; that really is its name. It seems like the managers were desperate to get a K in there somewhere to represent the town or some shit.

Now there is only a limited window of opportunity to experience Kitty’s: Thursdays or a Saturday. Why does it open every Thursday? Your guess is as good as mine. Thursday nights are tagged as student nights with cheaper entry and cheaper drinks, and could rival any club anywhere. But at Kitty’s, what you end up with on a Thursday is students living at home, or the unemployed. That’s it, there’s no one else there. There’s one rule for Kitty’s on a Thursday, and that is to be steaming beyond repair before you arrive. That way you can convince yourself in the morning you had a great time being grinded by Debra who left her five-year-old son on his own in Methil to come here. Or you can wake up in the morning and forget about the whole ordeal and pretend you were watching Question Time.

Empty empty empty

We’re having the time of our lives

The least said about Thursdays is probably better, but Saturdays are a different story. On a Saturday you are guaranteed the place will be acceptably busy, so you don’t feel shame for being there. On a Saturday you accept you have to pay £7 for a double vodka and it will take you a good 15 minutes to get served downstairs so you have to trek upstairs to the VIP area. You accept this because there’s every chance you could meet Michelle Keegan, Dapper Laughs or Wagner (no, really) for a photo and convince yourself that they now fancy you because their hand was lower down your back than you expected. If only you could push through their squad of security somehow.

The night goes on and you feel like you need a break from Cheerleader, so you can either find yourself in Kandy – apparently a different building but still attached to Kitty’s – where you’ll find a transcendent mix of headache inducing pink and white décor. You realise after five minutes Kandy is dire and pointless. Another option you have is to go to a different upstairs section. Yes two upstairs sections. This will feature all your favourite cheesy tunes, S Club 7, Sugababes etc. etc. etc. You’ll find a chez long, which is literally designed for you to lie on, but a bouncer tells you to sit up.

I'm even in there

I’m even in there

It’s now 4am (how late is it?!) and what better way to finish off the evening than with a heart attack in a box. However, Fife Council in their infinite wisdom closes all kebab shops at 2pm, don’t worry though Kitty’s is on hand with their own food bar. This food bar contains what I could only describe as the worst chips I have ever tasted; a fitting end to your adequate night out.

To sum up Kitty’s, you’re not too sure what you are into yet, but you try a bit of everything all at once and see which ones sort of fit with the people around you, and you are out far later than you should be.