We sampled the booze in the campus shop so you don’t have to

That campus shop is stocked with exotic booze.

So to make sure you know what is and isn’t worth blowing your SAAS on we bought a ton of it to review.

I know, we’re too kind.

We gathered on a windy Monday night in Geddes (where else) with our stash that had set us back a considerable tenner each.

Caribbean Twist

We eased ourselves in with some Caribbean Twist (strawb daiquiri flavour for you CT connoisseurs) which set us back around three pounds and, worryingly, doesn’t specify what type of alcohol it contains, simply describing it as “flavoured cocktail made with blended fermented alcohol”.

Sugary sweet and thick like syrup, one Tab teamer described drinking this hooch as “like drinking candyfloss someone has spat out”. Lovely.

Alcohol content: 4 per cent
Taste: 6/10
Overall Experience: 3/10

Merrydown Cider

Next up was a childhood favourite of mine Merrydown Cider. The chippy would deliver this to house parties when I was 15 and immediately the taste brought back memories of frantically picking the oldest seeming of our mates to answer the door.

But apparently when I was 15 I would literally drink anything because this tastes, and looks, like piss.

Alcohol content: 7.5 per cent
Taste: 4/10
Overall Experience: 5/10

Cola Cube

After that little trip down memory lane we thought a palette cleanser was in order. Now, you’ve all seen these overpriced, pre-packaged shots in the campus shop and never bought them (if you have half a brain). I was excited to finally sample one of them.

I was bitterly disappointed. They tasted weaker than even a Union shot of Cactus Jacks. The taste was reminiscent of Calpol, and would probably give you the same level of buzz. Stick with tequila

Alcohol content: 10 per cent
Taste: 5/10
Overall Experience: 2/10

I was starting to become disillusioned with the whole experiment, wishing instead that I had just bought my usual but I was in luck…. wine was up next.

We had gone for the cheapest wine available, which came in at £3.79 and was pink – my favourite kind.

Tab reporter Lily assured me this was something not to be missed out on. It had been her standard pre-Dusk bevvy when she was an excitable fresher in Murray Hall.

A mug of this went down very well – sugary sweet like strawberry Ribena but with a little bit of a kick. I could definitely imagine drinking three bottles of this with the girls.

Alcohol content: 7.5 per cent
Taste: 8/10
Overall Experience: 9/10

After a quick fag break we were starting to feel the effects of the night so far. This was mixing drinks to a level akin to the dirty pint at ring of fire. We needed a caffeine kick to keep us on track. That lead us to the soop portion of the night.

We had picked up a few cans of everyone’s favourite pre-mixed drink in a brand new Strawberry and Lime flavour.

Now, I’m a massive soop fan. There’s no better drink for a train journey and I am my happiest version of drunk when I’m drunk on soop. But not everyone shared that opinion.

Second year Brett compared it to “a home made cocktail your 17-year-old cousin might make”.

Alcohol content: 8 per cent
Taste: 6/10
Overall Experience: 10/10

Really wanting to give the pre-packaged shots the benefit of the doubt, we had picked up two varieties. Next up was Strawberries and Cream. It was as disgusting as it sounds.

We won’t name names, but one Tab teamer audibly retched after knocking one of these back. We do not recommend.

Alcohol content: 7.5 per cent
Taste: 2/10
Overall Experience: 0/10

We were running out of time before the taxi was due to arrive, and half the team was wrecked. But before we headed out we had to sample the delights of Scottish classic MD20/20.

More than one cup of this blue delight was chucked out a fourth floor Geddes window. I was drinking with three English born students though – I couldn’t expect them to understand.

Yeah, it has a distinctive taste and it might not be the classiest option, but there’s nothing quite like some Mad Dog to set you up for the bumping and grinding of the sweaty Dusk dance floor.

Alcohol content: 13 per cent
Taste: 5/10
Overall Experience: 7/10

We were saved by the bell as the taxi arrived just as we went to open the two litre bottle of Ye Olde English cider, but we definitely did not need it.