Stop trying to open a club in Bridge of Allan

There’s a hotel in Bridge of Allan determined to make their sub-level nightclub a success, meaning every year a new nightclub launches with the same result – complete disinterest.

And always keen for a night out, your trusty Tab reporters ventured out to BOFA in the pissing rain so you didn’t have to. You can thank us later.

“Why are we out on a Wednesday?”

We arrived at Hyde Hotel, formerly Adamo, formerly The Queens Hotel just after 12, praying that we weren’t the only people there. Last years incarnation 24 Below was actually pretty decent on a Monday, so between that and the fact this was Refreshers, I had middling hopes for the night ahead.

We tottered down a creepy alley which leads you to the front door, where a friendly bouncer appeared to check our ID and to confirm that yes, the night was still going ahead.

I asked him if it was busy, and he said there were around 40 people there. The night had already exceeded my expectations before I stepped inside.

Are we in Bridge of Allan or the Raploch?

Turns out though that a bouncers 40 is a bit like a bakers dozen. There were 15 people max. All of them were standing at the bar, casually drinking their £1.50 vodkas and necking real Jägerbombs.

It was a total sausage-fest. I started to regret not having shaved my legs, cause if I had been in the mood, a pull would have been guaranteed.

There were easily 4 guys for every girl.

The thing about this club is that it is absolutely beautiful inside. It has an indoor waterfall for Christ’s sake.

The interior is so nice that it’s actually a shame the place never seems to take off, but at the same time the dancefloor is easily smaller than the Fubar stage and has weird lighting that gives me a visual migraine. Swings and roundabouts.

The ceiling is so low on the dance floor that if you got too rowdy you would hit your head.

There’s a ton of seating, all very luxe with mood lighting. We sat for most of the night there, dancing only on the rare occasion the DJ played a half decent tune.

A Kelly Clarkson remix was definitely the highlight, and that was 10 minutes after we arrived. The volume of the music means you can actually have a conversation with your friends which is a good thing I suppose, until you remember that this is supposed to be a nightclub, not a knitting club.

Outback’s music is louder at the weekends than it was in here and it just wasn’t very conductive to a party atmosphere.

Nicer than most bars in Stirling.

I suppose it did fill up a bit, but there was never more than 20 people on the dance floor (not that many more than that would have comfortably fit). You would think it was Dusk on Halloween though with the heat.

The seats were heated underneath which is an odd and unwelcome addition. As a friend succinctly put it: “It’s like I’m going through the fucking menopause.”

No, the menopause would be more pleasant than this.

Roomy

Our group all agreed that the venue itself is beaut, but it just didn’t have a club atmosphere.  We thought it’d make a great bar for the more Beech Court types among us, but it’s definitely no competition for Dusk or Fubar, or even the cougar filled dance floor in Corn Exchange.

The more that they keep trying to make this place a thing, the more tragic it gets. Clubs in BOFA just don’t work.

We also got very lost trying to leave, and ended up in this blue light nightmare.