Are you an exam monster?

So it’s that time of year again. Tension in the air, the smell of sweat and red bull pulsating out of students, post-it notes are everywhere you look. 

A time of little sleep, desperation and stress for any student. But we all have that one friend who turns into a completely different person during exams, usually growing horns and a tail and terrorising everyone until it’s over. You might even be that friend. So if you’re embarking on exam season, here’s who to look out for.

The careful planner

This person will have started revising in September. Highlighting and filing away all their work, making mind maps and revision cards and most importantly following a structured revision timetable which is carried out with military precision.

Not really a timetable as such but its as close as most of us will ever get

They will know the course inside and out, even things they don’t need to know and that most people just don’t care about. This person also never leaves the reaches of the fourth floor in the library, usually hidden by a mountain of books and armed with a selection of ball point pens in every colour imaginable.

These guys know what they’re doing, and that scares the shit out of you

They are easy to spot in an exam, they are the students who look devoid of human contact and very surprised to be out in sunlight, and a pencil case.

They always have a pencil case. Filled with rulers and sharpeners and even a compass, just in case the History exam gets interesting. After the exam this person goes into hibernation until term starts again.

The Crammer

You’ve probably never seen this person. They rarely show up to lectures or seminars but are regulars in Fubar and Dusk. Revising in advance is a foreign concept to most crammers.

Their revision consist of one Red Bull fuelled all-nighter, usually rocking up to the exam with Dorito crumbs in their hair and a single pen. Which runs out half way through.

The crammer: Pre-exam

For the first half of the exam they sit nervously looking at the question trying to remember everything they learnt in high-school because they can’t remember anything from the night before. They are also the people who leave at the first possible opportunity.

The crammer: Post-exam

The ‘zero fucks given’

These people are very close relatives of the crammers. They casually float through Uni life rarely caring about anything. Quite a calm bunch, usually found doing TV marathons on Netflix and reading The Tab. Sometimes revision is done in advance, which usually includes sticking a post-it here and there and maybe a mind map.

Maybe Jack Reacher will help me with my criminology exam?

The majority of the time, they’re pretty oblivious to everyone else’s stress and cannot fathom why people are so irritable, ignorant to the fact they have an exam in 3 days. Even in the exam, they can be seen day dreaming rather than writing anything down.

The ‘I don’t need to revise’

I think I speak on behalf of the student population here, we hate you guys. However this category has two subdivisions. There’s the naturally gifted who can do zero – the minimum required amount of revision and still come out with a first.

They’re the ones who glance at the textbook a few days before, highlight a few lines and call it a day. They sit in social study and casually survey the scene of exam terror knowing all is well. Little do they know, their friends are all hoping they fail the exam.

“I don’t need to take notes, I already know everything”

On the other hand there are the unspeakably bright people who insist they know nothing at all (even though they’re top of the class all year) and proceed to make everyone else feel worse.

Usually heard saying things like: “I really don’t know anything” and “You’ll be fine, you know so much more than me”. It’s patronising and annoying and to those who really don’t know anything its damn right irritating.

The ‘exam monster’

These people are usually the nicest people to be around when it’s not exam season. When it is exam season they make Voldemort look like a kitten playing with a ball of yarn. Though they start revising early, any mention of the word exam makes them see red, and you better not be there when it happens.

Everything ends up going wrong for these people when they revise

These people will take down anything in their path if you are distracting them from revision, pens will be thrown, words will be exchanged and you will not make the same mistake twice.

Because of the build-up of exam stress effecting their brains, melt-downs and hysterical crying fits are immanent but God forbid you suggest they take a break to watch Hollyoaks with you.

No, now is definitely not a good time to talk about anything

Most exam monsters just tend to go a little bit insane. Their eyes begin to twitch and all that comes out of their mouths are revision facts and nonsense that sounds like they’re speaking in tongues.

When the exam is over, the fog clears and they have no recollection of it at all. Under no circumstances bring up their behaviour because they will probably try and swallow you whole