The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Having piled up your car with unnecessary amounts of shit and bumbled up the A1 you’ve arrived in the heart of Scotland.

You’re a Fresher. You’re mature now. You’re off to live with a bunch of strangers for a full year. You’re about to get mortal.

But it’s Stirling… where the hell do you go for a night out?

At pre, looking at the bottom of your empty glass, surrounded by your flatmates in their varying states of intoxication you know at least one will not make it out. And another fifth of your party will be knocked back for being too drunk.

Armed with these statistics you have three options: Dusk, Fubar or the Union.

With guaranteed cheaper entry than Fubar if you have a discount entry card, Dusk is an obvious choice.

But just don’t fall under the Dusk Illusion – the drunken sensation of thinking going to Dusk is the twilight garden of Eden, only to realise you were deceived by the promoters and vodka.

Make a beeline for the bar, it doesn’t matter if you don’t want a drink right this second because come midnight, the queue will be five people deep. So fill up on jäger bombs, vodka shots and fire bombs while you can.

Watch out for the creepy old men on student night. You will know they’re creepy because: a) they’re in their fifties, b) they loiter around the sofas near the bar and c) because they’re evidently not students yet they come out on Student Night.

Avoid locals night at all cost. No questions. Just do it.

Dusk is host to legendary nights. It is not uncommon for one of your party to be arrested and  another hospitalised in the same night

CAUTION: going to Dusk WILL make you want to suck off a mop.

Other students swear by Fubar. If you “Flash Yer Card” you get cheaper entry and reduced drinks, so it’s worth investing.

The music is mainly ‘90s cheese, so a wristband to Fubar grants you a blast to the past. Regular hits include “Year 3000” by Busted and “C’est la vie” by B*witched. Don’t worry, they do play recent releases too… sometimes.

If you want more than the usual trying-to-dance-but-dance-floor-too-small clubbing scenario, you can sometimes find bucking broncos, ball pits and foam parties at Fubar. Just make sure you don’t wear any type of jacket because you will be coerced into paying for the cloak room.

Sundays are a whole different story though. Yes it’s free entry, but there’s a reason for that… I’ve seen more life in a graveyard.

It feels like when you’re at a family party when you’re fourteen. Everyone is about ten years older than you and you just end up sitting awkwardly with your mates, avoiding the stares of the thirty year old local singletons.

The Union is the cheap and cheerful hub of the uni – vodka and mixer is sold at a glorious £1 each. It’s definitely the cheapest night by far, as you can genuinely get smashed on a tenner. However, this can be a curse as well as a gift…

An unnamed flatmate, passed out on the Union floor.

And on a Tuesday night you will have the chance to share your voice via karaoke machine. Just a warning – if you do it once, there’s no going back.

It’s likely that you will find yourself on a table, microphone in hand, singing Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” à la Bridget Jones. And it’s a very addictive ritual. Just watch out for the ginger guy, who hogs the machine by singing the same Coldplay song every week. You know who you are.