Stirling University has had what fancy people would call an annus horribilis: a horrible year, nothing to do with bums. Sure, you probably had some great times with your mates and one of those cartons of wine. But for the institution of Stirling University, 2013 really sucked. And before anybody gets smart in the comments, the arrival of The Tab is not one of the reasons.

Let’s take a look at where it all went terribly wrong for the proud university of Scotland’s second-newest city!

1: Heeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!

Business management student Nat Tantisukrit gave us all a bad name in May when he tried to bash in his lecturer’s door. Nat was upset he’d been given a lower grade and thought the lecturer was unfair towards him. When the lecturer tried to lock him out, Nat caused £150 worth of damage to the door with a baseball bat.

At Stirling’s Sheriff Court he was told: “You have been the master of your own demise.” Probably the only time somebody has legitimately been able to say that.

2: Stirling, England

The New York Times delivered the most stunning Scottish Independence news of the year when it decided that Stirling was part of England. In one of its thrilling reports about archaeology, the respected paper said the research was partially funded by “Stirling University in England”. A correction was published three days later:

3: Zero-hours

In December the university came under fire for its use of controversial zero-hours contracts, employing a whole load of people without “stability, security or sick pay”. The university defended itself by pointing out that many of these people are students who are gaining some work experience alongside their studies.

4: Away The Crow Road

Stirling has about one big famous alumnus, and that’s the novelist Iain (M) Banks. With his sad death from cancer over the summer of 2013, who have we got left to celebrate? Crazy politician Eric Joyce? I don’t think so.

5: Busgate

Not on the bus back to Chicago

What story brought national attention to Stirling with articles in several major newspapers? That’s right – it’s the one with the jokes about miscarriage, an alleged Nazi salute and the involvement of Sabbatical Officer Richard Raymond – who is happily back at work, and posing right next to the union’s statement on equality.

6: Pricey Booze

No student wants alcohol to be more expensive – but the same can’t be said for the university boffins. Stirling researchers suggested that if the Scottish Government slapped a minimum price of 50p on alcoholic units then drinking might be reduced by 6.7%.

They reckon it could stop 3000 deaths, but only because it would kill so much buzz.

7: The Death of Murray Hall

Murray Hall has been knocked down to make way for shiny new accommodation. And while Willow Court has been well-received, the demise of Murray means that Stirling has lost its only zombie haven.

Murray was one of only 16 locations in Britain to be listed on the website ZombieHideouts.com, although the nearby Wallace Monument is also suggested as a great place to hide from hordes of the undead.

When asked if zombie protection had been taken into consideration during the Residences Redevelopment Project, Residential Services declined to comment.

7: University Challenge

Who knew you could go to Stirling and end up on TV?! © BBC

Stirling has never been on University Challenge before and we finally made into 2013… for a Christmas special with alumni. Props to John McLellan for his quick-fire buzzer reactions, but the team’s knowledge wasn’t enough to beat their Oxford opponents.

8: Porter beaten up

We all give the porters a bit of a hard time, but we don’t try to beat them up. That’s what happened in Union Street in November, when a porter – Iain Berry, a Gulf War veteran – was kicked, punched and whacked with a spanner when he interrupted somebody trying to nick a bike. The two responsible were eventually arrested and charged by police.

9: David O’Halloran

January kicked off with the horrible news that a student had gone missing after a night out, and we were all saddened by the further news that he had died after drunkenly walking around after dark. But thanks to the tireless efforts of his mother, and others, the safe taxi scheme was enacted – making nights out that bit safer.