We went on the hunt for coke in St Andrews

Sitting at home, I received a call from The Tab leaving me with the mission of testing various locations in St Andrews for traces of cocaine.

To the relief of a few nervous people this mission was only directed towards public places. Enlisting a male accomplice, I set about doing some market research and compiling a list of potential cocaine hot-spots.

Ready for my mission

To check the validity of the swabs we ventured to a well-known cocaine user’s hangout where, lo and behold, specks of white dust were sprinkled over a fine mahogany-esque desk.

We tested the surface with the swabs and it came up blue – looks like they worked. In hindsight it was a waste of a swab, but funny.

Ma Bells – Cocaine found

Step two marked the beginning of our official sleuthing and we strategically found our way to Ma Bells hoping that in the aftermath of a Tuesday night at Ma Bells we would find the holy stuff. Our findings? COCAINE. Our happy sniffers had ventured into the bathrooms amidst the deep beats that infamously fill Ma Bells.

Remarkably we found the most traces at the back of the boy’s bathroom sink — an awkward place to take from I would say but maybe the lackadaisical approach of St Andrews’ notoriously elite community just doesn’t care if they grace the masses with residual cocaine left around the place.

Naughty St Andrews

In any case this was a joyous moment for my accomplice and me, with our first attempt coming up blue. Whether the girls of a Tuesday night stick to the alcohol or simply don’t like to snort off the not-so-clean surfaces of our favourite Tuesday night haunt, we will never know. Although one person did point out the ever-so-obvious that: “Surely you would just sniff it off your key?”.

That was me told and, if it’s the general case, does put a slight hindrance on our sleuthing.

A spokesperson for Ma Bells said: “We are investigating this issue as we enforce a strict no drugs policy.”

Ma Bells boys’ coming up blue

The Vic – Cocaine found

Nevertheless, we cracked on. Perhaps the party-goers of the wild and debaucherous Vic a.k.a the Social Club were less fussy about their surfaces. Again I found myself with a dusty but white swab and again ignored the little white man on the Vic toilet door and joined my accomplice in the discovery of slight traces of cocaine, again on the sinks, in the male bathrooms at the Vic.

A  pattern emerges. The fact that there were only traces does not indicate the tamer partying of the Vic crowd — if anything I would say that the Vic has better cleaning services that perhaps Ma Bells would like to consider employing (maybe the real revelation of this endeavor).

The Vic declined to comment.

Did the mission go to my head??

Library computer keyboards – No coke

Here my accomplice and I split ways, and I head to the library to continue my search. I had decided I would test the top floor computer keyboards —for those studying on the top floor are those who are desperately trying to tell themselves that the further removed they are from the chance to escape, the better they will work.

These poor souls MUST be the ones who would snort it up in the wee hours of the morning? Well, I found nothing.

Library toilets (female) – No coke

I also ventured to the bathroom (female only, which from my incredibly scientific and controlled-experiment conditions would tell me are the less likely location for turning white to blue). However, upon arrival I was faced with a realisation that has never crossed my mind in my three years at the university — the toilets do not have cisterns.

Was this a purposeful act on behalf of the university? Are they trying to prevent drug usage one toilet at a time? Or are they simply looking out for our aesthetically sensitive souls and removing all traces of the unnecessary. Either way, my library testing was a fail and I had run out of swabs.

Where next for the swab?

Foolishly, I had not been ultra-economical with my swabs, not realising that they are indeed a hot commodity and expensive to come by. However, for all you cocaine takers out there and for those who are curious — where would you next test?

The even more desperate surfaces of 24-hour library, Butts Wynd? The toilets of St Salvators Halls which are graced by the glittering elite-attended balls that smatter the social life of a St Andrean? Or maybe even in the likes of the Blue Stain, for is it only students whose minds are blown by this drug or are locals involved in the underground snorting community too?