10 types of people club reps hate by a Fat Sam’s rep

You’re probably one of them

clubs drinking reps st. andrews uni

Ever wanted to get inside the mind of a club rep? No, of course you haven’t. But, it may interest you to know, that hatred against us isn’t one sided. We can despise with the best of them.

Now, while obviously the longest-serving club promoters are so embittered that they view the whole student population as a homogenous mass to be hated in the abstract, the rest of us are a little more discerning. There are – in our frustration warped minds at least – ten biggest offenders.

I make any club look this fun

The indecisive

“Oh, that actually sounds like a great id…oh no, wait, I think I’m doing something that d…maybe I’ll go….where did you say it was again?…ah that’s a bit far out, isn’t it…but then again….hey, guys, have you heard of this place? Any good? Oh, really? But I…”

Doesn’t sound that bad? Imagine up to fifteen minutes of it. Fifty times a night. And most of them end up not buying a fucking ticket anyway.

Who knows what I’ll do

The aggressive

Ok, I get it. You don’t want to hand over your money. That’s fine. But please don’t scream the same in my face. For one thing, I can do without smelling the alcohol on your breath while you bollock me.

Also, once you get drunk enough to pick a fight with a complete stranger, chances are that you’re also drunk enough that you can’t land a punch or string a sentence together, so you end up just kind of flopping all over me, verbally and physically. Which, lets be honest, just makes it really awkward for both of us.

Chill, okay

The helpful

Oh thank you. Thank you very much. Yes, your critique of my salesmanship is exactly what I was hoping for when I approached you. Yes indeed, you telling me to “sound more enthusiastic” and “be persistent” cuts right to the heart of the problems I’m having, and no, I hadn’t thought of whatever half-baked piece of guidance you just pulled out of your ass in all my time doing this job.

The worst part about this type is that you have to be polite to them, a job which requires so much insincerity that it germinates the kind of heavy handed sarcasm I just used there. Seriously though, you want to help me? BUY A FUCKING TICKET.

Thanks.

The ones that talk too much

 Look, there could be hundreds of reasons why you want to speak to me. Maybe you feel sorry for me. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn more about the life of a club rep. Maybe you think I look fascinating.

Maybe you just feel like a chat. Maybe you’re just drunk. Whatever. Strike up a conversation if you want, just be aware that while we were talking SOMEONE WHO LOOKED LIKE THEY COULD BUY FUCKING WALES WITH THEIR POCKET CHANGE WALKED PAST US.

Oh God no

The ones that don’t talk

Fair enough, no one actually cares about the stuff I’m selling. And ok, you look like you could buy out Wales with pocket change. And ok, me pretending to be your best friend to screw you out of some money might be irritating.

But you can at least speak to me. Or acknowledge me. Hell, or just look at me. Politeness costs nothing.

Not even feigning interest

Teases

Thought experiment time: imagine you’re in a supermarket. You pick up a loaf of bread, take it to the checkout, and tell the shop assistant how much you like it. No, more than that, you tell the assistant how good a job they’re doing and kvell over the bread some more for good measure. And then you put the bread back on the shelf and waltz off.

Extra points if you tell them “I’ll think about it and get back to you”, and then don’t. Bit out of line, no? Then why do people think it’s acceptable to do that with us? Don’t tell me that this looks REALLY COOL and I seem like a REALLY NICE GUY, if you’re not going to buy from me.

“We wanna party…but not with you”

People who want to know everything about the club you’re promoting

Yes, that’s right. £1 each for drinks. What kinda drinks? Umm, sambuca, malibu, that kind of thing. Music? Well it says on the leaflet dance anthems and tropical house…Tropical house, you know? It’s a type of dance music.

Yeah, no but it’s a different type of dance music than they’re playing in room 1…No, no I can’t give you an example of a track. Do you want a ticket or are you just trying to catch me out here?

So…what’s a club?

People who already know everything about the club you’re promoting

I know it’s shit as well, but you don’t need to tell everyone else.

People who don’t understand how commissions work

Listen. I. Don’t. Get. Paid. Unless. You. Buy. The. Ticket. From. Me. So telling me: “I’ll take a leaflet and then buy it online” or “Don’t worry, my friend sells them as well, I’ll get one off him” doesn’t help me. At all.

Just buy the goddamn ticket

Fellow club reps

It’s not just that, from a practical point of view, you can really do without the competition. It’s more the thoughts their mere presence plants in your mind- if they look that shit, do you as well? Are you really made from the same pathetic stuff as them? No, probably not.

I mean look at him- barely-concealed rage at everyone going past. Must be terrible. He’s probably going home after this to make a list of all the people he hates. And once you get to that point, you know something’s deeply wrong with you.

Wanker