The Virgin Diaries, Week 1: Daydreams and Dildos

Hey, guys. I have a little secret. I’m a virgin.

I’m not exactly waiting for marriage or avoiding it. Then again, I don’t sport a shirt that says “Open for Business” with an arrow pointing downward. (Do they make those? If not, ™)

Virginity. It’s kind of a thing that’s there until it’s not anymore, like our memory… or our integrity.

It used to be that virgins were pure, wonderful goddesses, worthy of sacrifice. Now I’m some sort of prude tease that “spends too much time on YouTube” and “wastes too much money on Doritos.” Whatever.

Maybe I’m waiting for a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. (*Knight, or duke, or prince, or king, or breathing human being… I’m not one to discriminate.) Maybe I would like a romantic picnic on the beach followed by canoodling. Or maybe, just maybe, I’d like the drunk fourth year that’s been grinding on me to offer to pay for my 2 pound cheesy chips before inviting me back to his grimy flat.

The point is, he hasn’t come. In any sense of that word.

For those of you that are yawning at this point, don’t worry: there will be lots of sexploitation in these diaries. Because despite all odds… I have a few friends. Not many, but a few. These friends have lives, and boyfriends, and Tinder-fellas, and vibrators… but most importantly, they have sex.

So if I can’t tell you about the wild man rustling my bedsprings, the least I can do it post anonymously about my friends’ sexual conquests, right?

I think that’s enough of an introduction. Now onto my topic of the week: Dildos and Daydreams. We all have them. Daydreams, that is.

I actually don’t have a dildo. Too many color and size options, too much stress. I think I should invest in one because I sometimes (frequently) I worry that I’ll actually find myself in a sexual situation and literally have no idea what to do. I mean, there’s a difference between understanding how everything operates and actually knowing what to do.

My parents never gave me the “sex talk,” and I had the flu on the one day that my lower school showed “the birds and the bees” video. So my education has pretty much been left to myself. In fact, when my mom first handed me a tampon, I think my reaction was: “You want me to put that WHERE?!” (Full disclosure: still don’t use them.)

I do think we all have daydreams… or sexual fantasies. But alas, Jared Leto has yet to passionately push me up against a car and make-out with me. Nor has Prince Harry purchased me a drink before whisking me away to the VIP area of a club.

So, you know, with these thoughts tormenting our minds, it’s only natural to want a dildo or vibrator. Just remember that in St Andrews, walls are pretty thin, and I’m pretty sure that you aren’t blasting your music at random intervals of the night just for the hell of it.

Own it, because according to YikYak, 98 percent of students are extremely sexually frustrated.

So, daydream to your heart’s desire.

Xx The Vestal Virgin

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.