Dervish vs. Empire: declaring a drunk food champion

The editors make a very tough call.


Drunken decisions are rarely our best, but a night out in St Andrews often requires an important one at the end of the night: Dervish or Empire? The usual venues for drunken idiocy close remarkably early, so, without an after-party, people generally spend their leftover drunkenness buying greasy food. This is a scientific comparison of two of St Andrews’ most popular drunk food establishments.

FOOD:

Let’s start with the least important category, food. When you’re drunk enough to think some combination of doner, chips, chicken nuggets, ketchup and garlic sauce is a good idea, your focus isn’t really on food quality.

That said, Dervish has made a real effort to become more than the drunken food establishment students have come to know and love. They have actually operated as a café during the day, and they have fancy menus with tons of options. I think they hosted a black tie event there once as well? It may be the same food just served on wooden plates, but isn’t that what gourmet food is all about? You’re going to regret getting those chips in the morning regardless. Advantage: Dervish

ATMOSPHERE:

Alcohol is a very silly drug, and when I’m drunk, there’s nothing I want to see more than other drunk people doing dumb drunk things. Dervish has actual tables and an air of respectability that is simply not conducive to this sort of entertainment.

Empire, on the other hand, thrives in this respect, because it doesn’t try to be anything more than a hole in the wall. Drunk girls in high heels fall on the uneven stairs in droves like Ice Age mammals in tar pits. Hungry customers, ticket in hand, are strewn across the floor. This is what drunk food is all about. Advantage: Empire

FACILITIES:

Does Dervish still have a bathroom? Seriously, does it? I don’t spend enough time in there sober to keep track.

Anyway, if facilities are what you’re into, it’s all about Dervish. Seating might help the room stop spinning, and tables could minimize the debris that lines the street on Saturday mornings. Dervish and Empire are obviously trying to do different things, but I suppose Dervish is “nicer.” Advantage: Dervish

PRICE:

I remember more recently being offended by Dervish’s prices than by Empires. I’ll do some research next time I’m around and issue a formal apology if I’m wrong on this, but I’m pretty sure Empire is cheaper. Advantage: Empire

Ultimately, both Dervish and Empire have their advantages, but to not declare a winner seems like a cop out. I’ve decided to use “number of high fives received” as the tiebreaker, and I’ve gotten more at my new drunk food of choice, Empire.

 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Döner_kebab_in_Turkey#mediaviewer/File:Doner_kebap_Istanbul_20071026_crop.JPG