The Stand’s Guide to a Satirical Halloween

Bored of Miley costumes and morph suits? The Stand are here to help you be a bit more inventive with your Halloween costumes this year

halloween hughgrant standrews

Students of St Andrews! Put away those Miley costumes (we’ve all been there…) and shun your shiny morph suits. If you’re planning on getting dressed up to head out for Halloween, we believe you should do it in true St Andrews style.

We all know that Halloween is a time for passive aggressive costumes that attack stereotypes, negating the need to look nice. On an evening free of all of the tedious social norms you normally have to follow, make sure you offend and confuse as many people as possible. If you’re stuck for a costume idea that will truly make your friends question your wellbeing, you may wish to consider one of the following:

I’m an American, duh:

This is an easy one. You can just wear regular clothes, some sort of checked shirt with a vest underneath or a poorly sized Barbour will do. Don’t worry if no one knows what you are, it’s totally in keeping with the character to very loudly and indignantly exclaim ‘I’m an American’ at regular intervals. Be sure to flash a cardboard Amex around a lot too.

Hamish:

Our town hero may be gone, but his spirit lives on. Any cat themed costumes must be tasteful this year. You could even go as his statue if you’re feeling creative.

The PH:

It may be hidden away just now, but you can make sure none of your friends forget what it looks like! Stick cobbles and rocks all over your body and colour the appropriate ones in red. You may or may not wish to sprinkle dirt in your hair.

Give it a go?

A Local:

There are two ways you could go with this one. The first involves you dressing as if you have the patience of a saint, and taking a very high interest in the future and wellbeing of those around you. The second involves you shutting down any party you may go to by phoning the police and moaning about how much you hate everyone under the age of 25. If possible, try to make some poorly balanced points about how all students at St Andrews are hooligans who should go home and leave the town of St Andrews to prosper financially with its tiny local population.

Hugh Grant:

Don’t scrimp on the wrinkles.

Still sexy?

Couple’s Costume:

As a couple, if you feel like you are not annoying your friends enough with your happy state of existence, you should definitely opt for a couple’s costume. The cheesier the better in this case. One of you dress as a saint, the other a sinner. If any of your friends think you’re serious, terminate the friendship.

A Golfer:

Don all the usual golf gear. Maybe throw in a homemade golf club if you’re feeling creative. The key with this costume is to act very, very sophisticated and mature until you’re drunk. Then hit on as many girls as you can, the younger the better. These handy Halloween hints will ensure you celebrate the night in the most sardonic way possible. Enjoy!

 

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