How To Be Sexy On Halloween And Get Away With It.

I‘m all for sexy costumes. Intrinsically, it gives a basis for last minute ideas. I know that I won’t be alone if I don a short black dress and some cat ears. I’m safe among the others, no one judges me. Find a hot dress, then pretend you’re actually something: vampire, maid, Red Riding Hood, Rihanna, Pocahontas, an iPod.

To quote Mean Girls: Halloween is that one day a year when you can dress like a total slut and nobody will judge you. Just your actions. Because people by nature are judgemental, and if they can’t base it on your looks, they’ll focus on your other insecurities.

For weeks, hilariously promiscuous costumes have paraded across my Facebook timeline with last year’s repetitiveness. The only original costume was when one girl was Vicky Pollard, because it’s a classic: recognisable, hilarious, and actually *pause for can’t even moment* fully clothed. I couldn’t believe my eyes – where were the boobs, the ass, the mischievous stockings, the cut outs or cultural appropriation?

Confused by what kind of slutty I wanted to be this year, I consulted my friend’s opinion only to be directed to a Slutty Ebola Nurse costume. Not bad enough that there are already plentiful variations of slutty nurse costumes in the world, but medical professionals are terrifyingly risking their lives in West Africa just to save some of the world’s most vulnerable people. They’re giving hope to nations whose health systems have completely and utterly collapsed, at the cost of their own safety. How do we respect that? By some girl here wearing a cut up version of their uniform, whilst downing vodka cranberries, slutdropping to Anaconda and flashing her g-string, kissing her best-friend’s ex-boyfriend and then urinating on the street.

The mind is baffled.

The seriousness of dressing up as this specific nurse evidently wouldn’t cross someone’s mind, despite the the costume coming with “a chic gas mask.” I’m beginning to miss Zombie Nurse costumes.

Two years ago the popular choice was Katy Perry from California Girls. Candy floss hair and two cream canisters locked and loaded to your breasticles. Because when isn’t lactating sexy? It’s not even a fetish anymore; when it’s in a music video it’s mainstream. That’s what we’re telling girls to aspire to. On the one day a year when you can be anyone you want, boys opt to be superheroes and girls opt to be sluttier versions of themselves.

American retail giant Wal-Mart made headlines this week with its plus size sexy costume range. The feminist in me decrees hurrah, equality for all women, stride of pride, post up flawless! We have gifted sister kind with unilateral sexy dress up. However, the controversy surrounded the website’s link to the collection – fat girl costumes. As you shake your head, first pitying the guy who made that and who surely has been fired, let’s reflect on the message it gives to its target market, which really says it all.

Choosing to dress provocatively any time of the year should be liberating, confidence boosting and simply fun. Unfortunately, it rarely is, and when we all do this at Halloween, the only thing we make people think about is our bra size, thigh gaps and ability to stay warm on the brink of winter. When I think of any daughter of mine dressing in a generic slutty costume my heart breaks, because I want more for another woman than that.

Rather than being a Playboy bunny, I want my daughter to be Gloria Steinem circa “A Bunny’s Tale,” her undercover exposé as a sixties Playboy bunny.

What about choosing Halloween costumes because those women are bad ass and inspirational to you: an astronaut, Hillary Clinton, Doctor Barbie, Queen Cersei, Black Swan, Olaf the Snowman. Some of them are intrinsically sexy: future female leader of the free world? Take me now.

As I come to the end of my rant I reiterate, I’m not against slutty costumes; in fact I’m in favour of girls choosing to be anything. Its a bonus if it won’t make you feel self conscious of your muffin top or get you hypothermia, simple objectives surely? But perhaps a cultural toning down needs to happen. Before we start dressing as porn stars for Halloween, let’s retire the sake of gratuitously being slutty because everyone else is.

So I’m begging you, female Halloween revelers: put down the children’s size Disney princess gown. If only for this year.