Raisin Recovery Still in Progress

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald

1. As children, we require constant care and attention and one of our basic needs is nourishment. Luckily, most mothers take care of that from early in the morning and my siblings and I were no exception. Shortly after arriving at our mum’s house, we were provided with personalized sippy cups filled with vodka and apple juice. Trust me, those came in handy after we’d spent the last hour of the afternoon running around town trying to kiss strangers, paying homage to Hamish McHamish, and trying to find our aunt a suitable date for when we’re all grown and moving out of the house.

2. Next to being well nourished, it is vital that your child has the ability to realize just how drunk they are. It is for this reason that I hope your child was sufficiently drunk before they got sent off on their scavenger hunt; not only because perusing the aisles of Tesco looking for onions and Diet Coke is so much more entertaining when intoxicated, but because they could, if only for a moment, experience the dangerous glimmerings of what it must be like to be an alcoholic. It hit me somewhere between Castle Sands and South Street… I was drunk, at midday, with the sun up in the sky and people (at least, locals) were going about their daily business. I was worried about myself for a split second, but then I came back to Market Street and saw the array of children doing every crazy task imaginable and I realized that in the big scheme of things, this was perfectly normal, even with my eccentric athletic wear and my “I’m not fragile!” tape around my thigh. I was normal.

3. Accidents do happen, and your kid may have slipped and fell outside in someone else’s puke. As a supportive parent, I hope you consoled them, told them they don’t stink, and then hosed them down to ensure they could still enjoy what was left of their Raisin.

4. If or when several of your kids found blood on their shirt, I hope you made sure to track down the source, assuring them they haven’t fatally injured themselves. Children, myself included, can often freak out and think they’ve cut themselves very badly and are on the brink of death when in fact the only medical problem they have is a high blood alcohol level and little to no sense of balance.

5. Lastly, I hope you have photographic evidence of all of the stupid things your children did. Which one of us kiddos didn’t love the hungover trek to their mum’s house on Monday morning only to find out that everybody else remembers what you did a lot better than yourself AND it’s caught on camera? This serves as a good reminder that excessive alcohol consumption can come to no good other than a good time and the usual embarrassing stories.

I’ll now leave you with the wise words of Ernest Hemingway:

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

Image courtesy of LightBox.