How (not) to make friends during Freshers Week

“Congratulations! Your place has been confirmed at St Andrews – da best university in da world to study (insert course) for September 2014…” Take a deep breath and a sigh of relief. Reading that much anticipated sentence after logging into track and clicking the brains out of the refresh button, it’s to be expected that you’re buzzing to attend the same uni as our future king. Despite the undeniable excitement to enter East Fife’s capital, the pre-admission jitters start to set in for many reasons, including concerns of how to survive the cobblestoned streets when black-out drunk.

Everyone knows that uni friends are for life, and if you’re anything like me when I was approaching Freshers, you’re looking forward to meeting the lucky people who will become your crew for the next four years. Making a completely new set of friends may be a terrifying concept, but fear not! Follow my tips to ensure your own four-year crew.

1. Don’t shut up about your gap year.

Did you personally immunise a whole tribe in South America against a life threatening disease? Did you dig up an undiscovered Egyptian pharaoh or join a Tibetan monastery for six months? This is the kind of stuff everyone cares about. If you start with this and don’t stop with the, “this reminds me of that one time in Per’ah…” you will be sure to avoid being  known as the most pretentious twat.

2. Constantly mention that St Andrews was your insurance.

Were you set to join the long line of family history that’s made its way to Oxbridge? Did results day end with you becoming the new ancestral failure? Don’t worry! There’s no better way to laud your brilliance and superiority over these three streets than to tell all of your fellow Freshers that you were one mark off of Cambridge. Sniff.

3. Post on the Freshers page every hour of every day and continue to do so three months after Freshers.

CAN YOU WAIT FOR FRESHERS OMG EEEKKKKKKK!!!!! #excited #notlongtogo #standrews #bantz. Posting hashtags and using capital letters in the year Facebook group multiple times a day is the most efficient way to become the biggest name on campus. I once saw an absolute lad post on the Loughborough Freshers page that he was going to “smash so many birds, do so many squats and a dangerous amount of roids” and he hoped that “there are as many lads as him! LOVE THE BANTER BANTER BANTER TOUR TOUR LADZ ON TOUR!” Everyone I knew going to Loughborough was more excited to meet him than for anything else at uni!

4. Complain about the amount of work you have to do to any third/fourth years you meet.

It’s perfectly justifiable to whine to your academic parents about the essay you heard about in your introductory lecture that’s due in three months time. They may have work counting towards their end of degree classification, future job prospects and concerns about their life in general, but remember, you have to read a whole book about DNA and that’s a super smart word, so…

5. Always start a conversation with your most extreme political and religious views.

Were you the youth representative for UKIP? People deserve to know that Nigel Farage (or Nigey, as you like to call him) is your homeboy. There is nothing more that people want than to be brainwashed to become and activist for your cause, especially five minutes after meeting you.

If any of the above don’t work, just buy them a messibomb for £1.20 you are guaranteed to find a mate for life, I promise.