Moyes’ replacement? An alternative view.

Now that David Moyes’ brief reign as Manchester United manager is over, the hunt for a replacement begins. Discipline, consistency and vision are three things said to have been missing from Moyes’s regime. Here are three fellas with at least one of these qualities in abundance.

Paolo Di Canio:

Paolo Di Canio – Photograph: www.safc.com

While Di Canio claims he has mellowed since his days as a footballer, many still think he’s nothing short of a raging nutcase. Di Canio’s theatrical arrogance, aggression and penchant for verbally (and occasionally, physically) assaulting his players would help to bring discipline to the United dressing room. After all, which of the United superstars would criticise a manager famed for fighting one of his own players? With Di Canio in charge, Shinji Kagawa wouldn’t dare to show up late to the airport for fear of a meaty right-hook from his boss in the departure lounge.

Even more of a worry for United players would be the absence of ice at Carrington to soothe a well-placed Di Canio haymaker. Di Canio famously banned iced drinks during his tenure at Sunderland, but could a ban on ice at United be the solution to the current crisis? Well, rumour has it that just hours before United’s Champions League fixture vs. Olympiakos in Athens, centre-backs Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic were spotted with ice cubes (yes, ice cubes) in their Lemonade. That evening’s result speaks for itself, as United slumped to a 2-0 defeat. Di Canio’s no-nonsense approach would surely put an end to such puerile frivolity, and help to propel United back to the top of world football.

Raymond Domenech:

Raymond Domenech –  Photograph: AP

Every team needs a manager confident in his ability to pick the right players to do the job. Characteristic of Moyes’s regime however, was an erratic selection policy that never saw the same starting eleven appear in consecutive games. Raymond Domenech, former manager of the French national side, was under no illusion as to what he wanted from his players. Hard work? Professionalism? Passion? No. Rather, Domenech wanted Gemini, Aquarius or Libra. That’s right, in 2008, Domenech (Aquarius) admitted that astrology played a part in his team selection, as he bemoaned his incompatibility with Arsenal legend and Scorpio Robert Pires.

Domenech’s astrological approach would certainly help to clear some of the driftwood out of the United squad. His dislike for all things Scorpio would allow Rio Ferdinand to trot off and collect his pension while Luis Nani could up sticks and join Cirque du Soleil. More to the point, I can confirm that Domenech would be compatible with United target and Gemini, Marco Reus. Could this be start of something beautiful?

Ossie Ardiles:

Ossie Ardiles – Photograph: Don McPhee/Guardian

Despite struggling to find any quality at the back, United’s squad is brimming with talented attackers. While Moyes struggled to find a system that could accommodate RVP, Wazza, Mata, Januzaj and Kagawa, former Tottenham manager Ossie Ardiles might have just the solution. (In)Famous for playing with five attackers, the United job would be the perfect opportunity for Ardiles to recreate something akin to the ‘Famous Five’ that graced White Hart Lane in 1994. Most importantly, with only one, solitary midfielder needed to sit in front of the defence, Fellaini might never have to play again. Unbelievable, Jeff.

Tom Cleverley:

Tommy C – Photograph: John Peters/Man Utd via Getty Images

Anything to keep him off the pitch…