Bruce Kerr: Five things you must NOT do this week

Bruce discusses the top things to avoid when trying to enjoy life in Fife.


1. Trim your nails in the library

Click. Click. Click. Was that the clic-clac of lap top keys? Was that the working parts of a pen shifting into action? Was that the guttural mutters of some foreign language I am yet to hear in this town? Hell no it wasn’t. Imagine my surprise as I reared my head round my library carrel to find such anarchy. It seems it is indeed true that “some people want to watch the world burn”. While I don’t like to point the finger, something I abhor is fingers being trimmed in my general proximity. There is absolutely no grounds under which this is acceptable. The sound alone is unforgivable, never mind the resulting clutter bomb of nail residue that is flung in any and every direction, presumably finding its revolting resting place in some part of the library you often frequent. Let me extend my ban of such conduct from merely this week, to eternity. Much in the same way that Taylor Swift is never ever ever getting back together with some guy, I never ever ever want to see anybody behaving in such a way. Like ever.

2. Block the library bike shelter with your bike

Queen (the band, not the lady on coins and stamps and stuff) once crooned “I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike, I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like”*. I often heed the words of Freddie Mercury, regularly rhapsodising in a Bohemian manner and biting the dust. But even if I wanted to ride my bike where I so please, I fear I could not, certainly not into the library bike shelter. For simple laziness and disregard for fellow man, many a St Andrews cyclist leave their two wheeled traps right in the entrance of the bike shelter. This is a crime of lofty proportions. Not only is it incredibly easy to find a place to shackle ones bike in this particular area, it inconveniences every single cyclist who arrives at the library after these cretinous creatures. I curse their bikes to high heaven as I awkwardly lift my bike over theirs, straddling between a solid post and a stinky rubbish bin. While my first inclination is to acquire a power saw and turn their bikes into scrap metal, I suspect lighter measures may be more effective. In the wake of yet more nomination based tomfoolery I propose that we shame such cyclists by posting pictures of their crimes on social networking sites for the entire world to see.

3. Flyering

Unless you’re giving me money or a menu for Mexigo (I better get a free burrito for this shameless plug), I don’t want your paper. Election week is finished. It was wonderful to see it all in action. But it’s over now, and I really, really don’t want your flyer for Animal Alopecia Awareness Week. Running the gauntlet into the library during election week was like something straight out of Total Wipeout and I’d like to avoid such situations for another year.

4. Plague social media with Mother’s Day posts

I love my mother (this makes up for forgetting a card, right?). Most people do. If you similarly love your mum, please tell them, not Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. The amount of Mother’s Day related posts were absurd and totally unnecessary. It cheapens the personal touch of your wonderful gift when it’s flaunted to the world. Sorry mummy, no tweets for you.

5. Title the column you’re writing before realising you’re not creative enough to deliver on the title.

*She may have sung this song at some point. However, I always figured her as more of a Snoop doggy dogg fan*.

*Snoop Lion