How to win an Oscar

As far as I know, there aren’t any Oscar winners in our student population. If I’m wrong then please email me and introduce me to Meryl Streep. Anyway, this guide should be of use to those who are waiting on a chance to own their own little gold man. Abide by these rules and you’re bound to win.*

Best Picture

The Oscars are primarily voted for by straight, white males who aren’t spring chickens. Always keep that in mind. Films made for young folk will always lose out to the OAP friendly examples, even if the latter doesn’t deserve to win (e.g. The Social Network versus The King’s Speech). The Academy like to feel superior which means you have two options: a heartwarming tale featuring triumph over adversity and other good ol’ American values; or something which reminds the voters of the terrible things their ancestors did to people (slavery, war etc). They will reward you just so they can assuage their guilt and return to their superior positions.

Best Director

The straight, white male thing applies here too. That means that women don’t have much of a chance; Kathryn Bigelow is the only female to win an Oscar for directing, which is probably because she makes films packed with explosions and other things men enjoy rather than concerning herself with “girly” matters. The Best Director category is essentially a fraternity for elderly men. Once you’re in they will protect you no matter what you do (I’m looking at you, Roman Polanski) and give you at least one Oscar for your troubles. As you enter Hollywood you should network with the stalwart members of the old guard and praise them publicly at every opportunity. Soon you’ll be getting hazed by Clint Eastwood and Steven Spielberg; 20 years later and the award will be yours.

Best Actress

Hollywood is an inherently misogynistic place. The easiest way to win is to be young and attractive yet sacrifice all that for the sake of your art. That means losing half your body weight, wearing a fat suit or aging make up, and crying/screaming for most of the film. Apparently casting actresses who are old or overweight isn’t popular. Meryl Streep breaks the age barrier, but she is a goddess after all.

Best Actor

Men are allowed to play far more complex characters than their female counterparts while still remaining in the running for the top prize. The winning roles tend to be based on real people and often feature some kind of disability or addiction which fulfill the underdog criteria. The Academy also like method actors who spend years honing their craft. Daniel Day-Lewis rarely makes a film these days because he spends years preparing for each role. Two Oscars later and it seems his tactic is working.

Best Original/Adapted Screenplay

Be Woody Allen. People will overlook your alleged proclivity for underage girls if you are good with a pen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEnjiGwVw6o

* The Stand takes no responsibility if you lose. Repeatedly.

Images courtesy of vanityfair.com, zimbio.com, and awardswatch.com