Bruce Kerr: On being a social butterfly…sort of…

I really enjoy meeting new people: spreading my wings like a social butterfly. Charming them with my sharp wit, juvenile humour and awkward small talk. The last three sentences may not have been true. Whilst I do mostly enjoy meeting people, there is one thing that I feel truly nervous for upon first encounters; the handshake, the hug and the kiss. Essentially the first key step in introducing oneself and it’s bothered me ever since I realised I was incapable of getting it right. They (whoever they are) say first impressions are very important. I’m therefore afraid that the impression I give off must be one of crippling incompetence and clammy palms, quite the winning combination.

Having grown up as a male in Scotland, I was strictly taught that much like emotions, hugs were for girls. Men shake hands. That is what men do. But even on this strict diet of handshakes, I never did quite master it. There’s a sweet spot between the limp weak handshake and the vice grip that is almost unattainable. This is only one of the many issues that plague the first introduction scenario.

Having come to a university with “hip” young Americans, they often come at me with their “hip”, young ways. Sometimes they’ll try to “fist bump” me and I’ll panic as I go in for the shake. We both look at each other awkwardly as I shake their fist up and down, both of us accepting in that moment that friendship is not on the cards. While my anticipation of their greeting leaves a lot to be desired, I respect their methods. The “fist bump” is almost certainly more sanitary than the handshake, and the little Howard Hughes inside me can appreciate that.

While guys I can almost deal with, it’s the etiquette when meeting girls that can prove a greater struggle. With regards to gender equality the handshake should certainly be standard practice for all. However somewhere in the process it seems that not everyone is quite on the same page; shake or kiss? One cheek or two? Left first or right? If I were to go by things I’ve learnt from Made In Chelsea, (as I frequently do in life) it would seem that a kiss on either side of the cheek is the way to go. Whilst some claim this is in fact a French tradition, I have it on good authority that it was in fact a one Spencer Matthews who coined this affectionate acknowledgement.

What we need is something set in stone, an unambiguous greeting personal to St Andrews that we can all embrace. In the Maori greeting of hongi, they graze noses upon meeting. This is cute, but could prove a little awkward and injury is likely. The Maasai tribe of Kenya greet their visitors with an energetic dance. The enthusiasm here is great, but in terms of time efficiency, getting down Market Street could potentially take hours.

I suspect in this case I am the minority. Most have grasped such simple formalities. I just wish in this confusing modern world we could bring some conformity to an action so frequent as meeting and greeting. I’m moving to Kenya…