I hate Christmas

It all started with the release of the Gingerbread Latte. Every year, on the first of November, Starbucks unveils their famed ‘red cups’ with festive holiday flavors. While an overpriced syrupy concoction may appeal to certain mainstream individuals incapable of operating a french press, I am not one of them. While some may welcome the holiday spirit and all the ‘festiveness’ it entails, I hate Christmas. Here’s why:

1) Christmas Sweaters. What better way to look like more of an arse than to walk around in an oversized pullover resplendent with the tacked on red nose of Rudolph? The one time my aunt gave me a hideous Christmas sweater, I feigned gratitude and quickly hid it in the back of my closet, never to see the light of day. Why people insist on dredging out the proverbial jumper come December is beyond me, but just take off the sweater with Frosty the Snowman pinned to your chest. You look like an idiot.

2)  Christmas Carols. While it may have been socially acceptable to sing along to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer when you were five years old and drinking eggnog from a sippee cup, that practice is not so tolerated as students at uni.  Having heard ‘White Christmas’ at least 1000 times in my relatively short lifetime, I inwardly cringe each time my eardrums are subjected to lines like ‘I’m dreaming of…’ What’s even worse than the generic playlists at any given store is the sheer repetition with which they are played. Come November 1st, businesses take advantage of the general population’s sickness of Halloween to advertise a new holiday through the insistent promotion of sickly saccharine tunes like The Chipmunk Song.

3) Fat Santa’s. Having been employed one unfortunate holiday season as a ‘Santa’s Elf’, I was forced to dress up daily and help small children pose with some former convict who could only find work impersonating a fake character. What’s worse than a jolly fat ‘Saint Nick’ bestowing gifts on kids and spreading holiday cheer is an actual fat man in a too small red suit sweating profusely and pretending to care that Suzie wants a My Little Pony set for Christmas. I look forward to the moment she discovers Santa’s not real.

4) Holiday beverages. Overpriced coffee from a paper cup that is 10% recycled is bad enough. Add in the cheery red coloring and winking snowmen and you have the receptacle for the world’s worst holiday beverage. With sickly sweet flavors like eggnog and peppermint, Starbucks aims to turn every St Andrean into a diabetic. Their forced attempts to get one into ‘the holiday spirit’ will only make you waste 4 quid.

5) Decorations. Last night, when all I wanted was a vodka cranberry and some casual banter, I walked into the local pub and was immediately assaulted by the sight of sparkly fairy lights and fake presents adorning the walls. With annoying images of smiling Santa’s and chirpy elves firmly imprinted into my brain, I practically puked and left the premises. I hate Christmas.

Image courtesy of elephantjournal.com