Bruce Kerr: The 5 stages of the all-nighter

“Attention, the library will be closing in 30 minutes time.” It’s the sentence we all dread to hear for a variety of reasons. Firstly, it means that it’s 1:30 am and you’re still in the library, which in itself is a bit tragic – but only a bit. Secondly it means that you’re almost certainly in for the long haul. The all-nighter is, it would seem, imminent. Either that or you have managed to time the completion of your work directly in conjunction with library scheduling…which is impressive. Well done. Thirdly it means that you now have to go home. But the library is your home, so instead you return to the place that you sleep at night, and wait ‘til 8 am when you can go home again. But remember your matriculation card, you’re not allowed home without it.

15 minutes pass. ‘Attention, the library will be closing in 15 minutes time’. Just in case you forgot how time works. Now you are faced with the prospect of the all-nighter: a great achievement or a plummeting low depending on how you view it. According to psychiatrist Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of loss and grief the all-nighter; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Firstly, denial. We consider going to bed, and instead working during the daylight. But we were born in the darkness, moulded by it, and frankly find the light blinding. Besides during the day there’s way better things to do like; socialize in the library, refresh Buzzfeed and live vicariously through our Facebook selves.

Then comes anger. You become angry at past self, the one who sat about for four days twiddling their thumbs while the rest of the world worked. You become angry that you chose a degree with coursework. You become angry that your internet provider cuts off your wifi around 11 pm so you have to spend the night in the 24-hour computer lab. Okay, the last one was personal, and I don’t want to write anything libelous…but I strongly suggest you avoid signing up with the provider that’s name is a synonym for ‘Speak Speak’ and rhymes with ‘Walk Walk’. No hard feelings.

‘My dog has been struck down by shingles which was emotionally traumatic, and my MacBook turned out to be a Decepticon, running away with my essay in his system’. It’s the best excuse we can offer our tutor in exchange for an extension, and it’s not a good one, but it’s a bargain we’re willing to make at 4 in the morning.

Depression sets in around 5 am. Your body is shaking and your mind is frazzled. You wish nothing more than for the 24-hour computer lab to implode around you, leaving you with the extension excuse you’ve always dreamed of.

And finally comes acceptance. It’s 6 am, and you’re referencing your essay because you like to give credit where credit is due the TGAP told you to. But you’ve accepted the situation, finished the job and you’re ready to return to your wifi-less (I’m not bitter) abode in the badlands. 

A word of advice. Don’t make the all-nighter a habit. It’s the heroin of the academic world; addictive, a poor life choice and almost certainly detrimental to your health. Get off my column and go work, you silly sausages!