Your Café Choices: A Judgement

What does your daily choice of café coffee spot say about you?


All right, you guys are legit. You probably have an intriguing hairstyle, and are wearing that Sonic Youth t-shirt completely unironically. You have an appreciation for good coffee, and don’t mind being called a coffee snob – at least not until you finish your chapter in Cloud Atlas. You participate in No Shave November year-round. That beard? It’s a lifestyle. Months? They’re a social construct. Disfigured coffee shop art is kind of your thing. I see you. Well, barely, because your black Americano is fogging up your thick-rimmed glasses. I’m not sure if I respect or fear you.

Bean Scene

Oh, you. You in your beanie and Chuck Taylors. You – casually cool and high-achieving – are accepted by every subculture. You’re currently in between committee meetings, refreshing your MacBook pro between sips of your staple caffeinated beverage. Of course I’ll sign your online petition! You’re just a guy in a beanie, subtly making Uni your bitch. Your Beanitch. Your Beatch. You have a pun that could work here, don’t you? You’re probably the most put-together person I know. How do you do it? I would like to know.

bean 2


Stop talking to me about your diet. I’m happy for you, I am. You look great. You’re glowing! But, us bottom-feeders shouldn’t have to feel morally oppressed in your presence. I know lentils evoked your spiritual awakening as a human being. Still, talking about how to make brownies out of chickpeas is sad as hell. Leave brownies out of this! They did nothing to you.



Coffee might not be your thing, but you do appreciate a midday pick-me-up. This is a respectable and safe bet for that. You’re totally okay with a completely impersonalized coffee experience, and don’t question the fact that your 30ml shot of espresso is served on an excessively large tray, because, whaddup, you’ve got better things to do. Actually, make that order for take-away, and only kind of because you want one of those adorable seasonal cups. Nothing wrong with a little commercialized indulgence now and again, right? You also might also be a thirty-something mother grabbing a latte with your other mom friends. How did you manage to get that double-decker stroller in here?


You’ve sucked on Starbucks’ commercial teat until you’ve reached delirium. Autumn? Surely you mean Pumpkin Spice Latte season. You don’t care where your coffee beans came from. You live your life through an Instagram filter. Would you like whipped cream with that? Of course you would like whipped cream with that! We know this because you sent that #PSL straight through the Early Bird. If you don’t document this on every social media platform, it totally didn’t happen, right? You like to have ice cream for dinner. I admire that. Also, you might be American and/or thirteen years old.


You have a particular affinity for 2012 pop hits being played on a loop. Jason Derulo is the ideal accompaniment to your Economics reading, and really brings out a certain je ne sais quoi in that stack of pancakes. If you’re not over sixty years old, you enjoy listening to Jason Derulo and eating pancakes next to someone who is over sixty years old. Or, you hate pop music and people over sixty years old, but come here regardless, because you really like pancakes. Are you going to finish your pancakes?


Con Panna

Who even goes here? Seriously, if you frequent this obscure step-uncle of a coffee shop whom you only see at every third funeral, please tell me. I would really like to know what kind of person you are.



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