How to survive a horror film

The horror genre is vast. Teen slashers, zombie apocalypses, thirsty vampires, demon possession and homicidal red necks are amongst the horror subtypes you may have experienced. Luckily, even a genre as diverse as this shares a few steps which can guide the wimpiest amongst us to full time Bad Ass status with (mostly) minimal effort.

1. Be female: Admittedly this might take more than minimal effort for 50% of the population. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the inner workings of feminist film theory (which is probably most of you), the typical horror ends with one surviving female, known as the Final Girl. The Final Girl is more than just anyone without a Y chromosome. Traditionally, she has a masculine name, an unwavering sense of morality, and an in tact hymen. That knocks out most of St Andrews but, on rare occasions, the Final Girl can be more promiscuous so that misguided Lizard hook up doesn’t mean you’re doomed. For the men, you’ll just have to make do with leading the action, sci-fi, crime and comedy genres.
2. Know your enemy: While a stake to the heart is the perfect way to kill Edward Cullen, it won’t work on a zombie (tip: always aim for the head). Being equipped for your particular scenario is like revising for an exam: there’s no point spending two weeks preparing for a module with no assessment. Although you’re unlikely to be butchered should you cock up your revision- unless your lecturer is particularly harsh- the comparison stands: learn the baddie’s weakness and tailor your plan accordingly.
3. Never drop your guard: being alert may seem obvious, but it is repeatedly overlooked. First, the killer is almost never dead. These guys have more lives than Rasputin, so never assume that a blow to the head will do it. Second, no one can be trusted. Whether it’s a creepy hitch hiker or a person you’ve been friends with for 20 years, horror films don’t choose the obvious villain. If you suspect that your friend’s animal sacrifice isn’t just an unusual “family tradition” you’re probably right. When in doubt, remember my mother’s motto: kneecap first, ask questions later.
4. Never fall in love: desperate situations bond people. When you’re being stalked by a man with an axe or your home has been taken over by bloodthirsty creatures, you’re bound to seek comfort. Well, I’m here to lay out some home truths. For the ladies, sex ruins your innocence and is almost guaranteed to take you out of the running for the Final Girl spot. As they told us in Mean Girls, if you have sex you will die. Love affairs in horror movies are doomed. More often than not, the hunky out of towner is a crazed maniac and the Megan Fox-esque beauty will eat your soul in your sleep. Spend your time thinking about Steps 1-3 until the danger is gone and you can turn your story in to a nice chat up line.

Images courtesy of  imdb.com, unionfilms.org and iconsoffright.com.