50 shades of no way

A warning to the next actor who picks up Christian’s whip.

| UPDATED

It’s official. Charlie Hunnam has resigned from the role of sexual-deviant Christian Grey in the upcoming movie adaptation of  “50 Shades.” Cue fan meltdown.

Personally, I consider it a blessing. If Charlie can’t handle a bit of fan/media frenzy, imagine his reaction when he’s made to repeatedly flog Dakota Johnson on camera. It’s mighty hard to look sexy when you’re shaking like a schoolboy.

Hunnam’s official line is that he fears his “busy schedule” won’t leave him adequate time to prepare for the role but, really, how hard can it be to learn to hog-tie someone? Lame excuse, Chaz.

Let’s talk about the real reason: the fact that any actor who values his career doesn’t want to touch Grey with a 10-foot barge pole. Best-selling books they may be, but the role of Christian Grey is unequivocally cursed. (As an aside, I don’t think Christian ever jabs Ana with a barge pole either… expect a new instalment from E.L James when she gets wind of this article).

Fans are already buzzing about who will step into Christian’s well-worn Playroom jeans – I can practically hear Ana’s ‘Inner Goddess’ swaying – and tackle what will become one of the most famous/infamous roles of our time. Personally, I think they’re going to struggle to find someone they can secure to the project without hand cuffs.

Observe:

  1. One word, dear readers: typecast. Once this film is released, no one is going to care what Mr. Grey did before or after his sexcapades (my hope is shower). To anyone who sees it, he’ll just be that guy who got his kit off and spent two hours screwing a virginal girl seven ways to kinky Sunday. BDSM on the big-screen isn’t going to be forgotten in a hurry, let’s put it that way.
  2. There are three books, guys. Three. When this film is a box-office blockbuster- she outsold Harry Potter dude, it’s happening- there’s no way they won’t do sequels. This means he becomes that guy who got his kit off and spent six hours screwing the virgin girl.
  3. This book is categorised as ‘mummy porn.’ As in, porn for mothers. Biology dictates that all actors have a mother somewhere and, if I were a guy, I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking on the role of a man that my mother has potentially fantasised about. Especially one with the sexual proclivities of this particular man.

The list could continue (potentially to the 51st reason – your move, E.L James) but those are the real sticklers. For someone established, it’s not worth risking a career; for a newcomer, the role essentially ends your career before it’s begun. The fans might think that the sex scenes are on fire, but without a Christian it looks like “50 Shades” has been put firmly on ice.

Images courtesy of dumpaday.com