Conquering the Dissertation: What Not To Do

I always remember as a kid playing those old video games, which you thought you had finished and then out of the blue some horrible ugly monster appears, and you […]


I always remember as a kid playing those old video games, which you thought you had finished and then out of the blue some horrible ugly monster appears, and you had to kick it to death to complete the game. That’s basically what my dissertation is to my degree. After two years of dossing around, followed by a year and a half of solid work, I am inches away from finishing. I only have one exam… and a f**k-off-big dissertation.

In case the stress and panic isn’t getting through to you, it’s due in just over a week. So I’m trying to write it. Well, I say writing, I mean staring blankly at my computer screen in a dumb glaze praying for inspiration. In my attempt to help future generations, these are my five tips on how to stop your dissertation becoming a nightmare.

1. Choose your topic wisely.

When you begin, your dissertation seems so exciting. No lectures for a year, no essays, the opportunity to do something genuinely innovative. Naturally, while I was in this stupidly naïve stage I decided to do my dissertation on a topic that has very little research available (trying to get a First and all that for ‘originality’). On the surface, a great idea – until you realise that there’s no research in this field for a reason and you have no one to plagiarise when it all goes tits up.

2. Your dissertation is not your friend.

Starting off with an overinflated sense of self-importance, while all of your friends have real work to do, you spend a lot of time ‘contemplating’, or reading obscure books. This is great fun for several months. Then around February time you realise that it’s due in two months and you have no fucking idea what you’re going to say. Suddenly the Magnum Opus you were going to write turns into yet another essay, only this one is FIFTEEN THOUSAND words long, and it needs nonsense like a methodology and thesis, whatever they are.

By this point you hit panic stations and start to develop a semi-coherent essay plan, ignoring all the pseudo-intellectual stuff you came up with before. Just another essay.

3. Avoid controversy.

My personal problem is that I picked what I thought would be a ‘sexy’ dissertation topic: right-wing terrorism. That means I have to read a lot of Neo-Nazi literature, and leaving a book with a giant Swastika on the front cover is not good for your library rep. Neither is leaving racist material in your front room, and having to explain to whichever guest picks it up that it’s only work, and I’m not actually a racist. Plus, I’m aware that the last three items in my Amazon purchase history are respectively: a guerrilla warfare manual, a Neo-Nazi fiction book, and the movie Teeth. Now I’m terrified that I’m on a police database somewhere as a potential pervert racist terrorist.

4. Especially avoid controversy in the library.

Because of my lack of a laptop, I’ve had to sit in the library the past few weeks and browse various racist websites. I don’t know whether I should try and hide in a corner so that no one can see what I’m looking at, or do it openly and make it clear I’m working. No one has mentioned anything yet – in fact the only library abuse I’ve got so far is from Spotted St Andrews Library, for walking around with no shoes on. But I’m slightly worried that people think I’m the no-shoe library racist.

5. Don’t do the Year Long.

The cruellest part of doing a year-long dissertation is that I’ve had to watch all my friends freak out when their dissertations were due in the first semester. It’s like in 24 when Jack Bauer tells generic terrorist #16 what he’s going to do with their bollocks if they don’t say where the bomb is, except I have no way out. This taunting is not helpful.

Presumably when this bastard is over I’ll feel great about it. To quote Ted Maul, it’s probably “like the bizarre euphoria after an hour’s vomiting.” But at the moment I’m on my 15th draft and it’s horrible.