A response to Edinburgh Tab: why StA is Number One

As somebody who manages to find five wonderful things to do every week in our great little town, I think I can field this one. It seems lately that Edinburgh, […]

As somebody who manages to find five wonderful things to do every week in our great little town, I think I can field this one. It seems lately that Edinburgh, our neighbours in the south, have been getting a little big for their boots. It’s time to remind everyone why St Andrews (note the spelling, Edinburgh Tab) is superior in literally every way to the city, and probably the rest of the world.

1. Geographical environment. Did you know that constant hill walking is proven to make people fatigued, and ultimately, depressed? I’ve heard that a typical funscapade for Edin-dwellers involves trekking up a mountain know as ‘Arthur’s Seat’, one of the seven – yes, SEVEN – hills interrupting your average stroll. Do you know how much this Hunter/Barbour combo cost? I can tell you it wasn’t cheap, and I am not about to put it under unnecessary outdoor duress.

2. Nights out in Dundee. It’s a safe enough distance to hold the lower class citizens safely away, but close enough to provide a night out minus the cheese and wine. Short bus ride into Dundee, throw up on their pavements, then back to the cleaner St Andrews air. This also brings me on to…

3. Crime rates. What do you get when you Google ‘stabbing Edinburgh’? Over 1,100,000 results, with at least the first ten referring to horrible murders or attempted murders on the streets of the city. And, ‘stabbing St Andrews’? Crime author helps students take a stab at creative writing. Lovely! This is the reason my front door is constantly and conveniently left unlocked (please don’t test this if you know where I live). Statistics prove that if you go to Edinburgh you will die.

4. Ball culture. How often do Edinburgh-ians get to dress up for a glorified barn? Probably never! That means prom dresses won’t get another outing, nor can you pretend you’re at a) an important business function, or b) Will and Kate’s engagement party. In St Andrews you can do this daily at either the Christmas Ball, May Ball, Opening Ball, Big Top Ball, Hall Balls, Bongo Ball, Bute Ball, Grad Ball, Masquerade Ball, Welly Ball…etc. Pass the caviar.

5. The Tram. Over two and a half years behind schedule, more than £1 billion, all to get from one end of the street to the other…? Tehehehe.

6. Steady ceilings. Yes, it’s true we only have one club, so no confusions about where your drunken friends are going to end up – less time tracking everyone down is more time spent slamming tequila. The Lizard is also structurally sound, which is less than I can say for most (if not all?) clubs in Edinburgh, as the GHQ ceiling collapsed in January. Could this even be a subversively homophobic act by the city? You decide. 

7. Size matters. Want to go out in Edinburgh? Take several buses, maybe a train, and navigate a large and horribly dangerous inner city area. Want to go out in St Andrews? Stroll for no more than three minutes to reach any one of our pubs, clubs or Union. Without fear of death.

8. Alumni. Asked Beyonce to be your chancellor, did you, Edinburgh? Never got a reply? Shame. Although she doesn’t even go there, right? Didn’t you have any other actual, awesome, alumni to ask? Oh. Sorry, we can’t empathize!  #royalconnection

9. Potential for love. Finding your soul mate is an arduous and challenging task. Sure, you can get a random hookup any night of the week in this ‘Hive’, but can you find true love? In St Andrews, you WILL see your hookup every day until you graduate, almost definitely fall in love and marry them immediately. This minimizes the risk of STDs, and you get to leave uni with a ring on your finger – a must for any self-respecting arts student.  

10. Edinburgh’s inferiority complex. Come on now ’Burgh. Don’t make us crack out a league table. I don’t want to be ‘that guy’…


Headline image: onelondonone.blogspot.com