So Fetch: Mean Girls the musical

Beware the Plastics. Nine years after Janice Ian gave us that advice when Mean Girls first hit cinemas (don’t even talk to me, I still don’t believe it’s been that long), Tina Fey has confirmed that the most quoted movie of our generation is being adapted into a Broadway musical. So Fetch.

In 2007, when asked about the possibility of a Mean Girls adaptation, Tina Fey said, “I thought the movie in some ways mostly appealed to young girls and gay men, and I feel like that could be a recipe for success on Broadway.” Fey is writing the adaptation in collaboration with her husband, Jeff Richmond, who is scoring the show.

Broadway.com reported that even though the Plastic’s big broadway debut may be a couple years away, Richmond has confirmed two things: the musical won’t lose any of Fey’s witty dialogue, and “Fetch” will definitely be a musical number that reprises itself throughout the show. That’s why Gretchen’s hair is so big, it’s full of soprano notes.

Hearing that “Fetch” has already been worked out as a musical number, I’ve provided a list of potential numbers that I hope Fey and Richmond consider putting into the show:

Too Gay to Function: Because we know it’s only okay when Janice says it, or when it’s being belted with some pop-rock orchestrations.

On Wednesdays We Wear Pink: Getting invited to sit with the Plastics is a big deal. Their rules are hard & fast, and hard to follow—imagine it in three part harmony.

Get in Loser, We’re Going Shopping: Regina George’s break out pop number, and if she doesn’t get a standing ovation, you can walk home, bitches.

You will get Pregnant, and Die: A sombre, sentimental ballad where Coach Carr warns against the consequences of unprotected sex before going to make out with Trang Pak in the projection room above the auditorium.

She Doesn’t Even Go Here: I want to give Damien all of the solos, but Gretchen will definitely make an appearance, because she can’t help that she’s popular.

If You’re From Africa, Why Are You White?: Oh my god, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white, but you can totally sing about it.

The Limit Does Not Exist: Cady’s big matheletes moment totally needs a show-stopping number, and Kevin G will definitely have a featured rap solo.

Hell No, I Did Not Leave the South Side for This: This is the dance number. Imagine a high school of jazz dancing, acrobatic teens as the background to Principle Duvall’s contemporary lyrical crusade against the Burn Book.

With a song lineup like this, I foresee that this year’s Tony Awards going a little something like, “Four for you Jeff Richmond, you go Jeff Richmond. And none for Andrew Lloyd Webber, bye.”

Needless to say, I’m eagerly awaiting an opening night for the Mean Girls musical, and if you can’t get enough, check out Broadway.com’s dream cast. (They’re spot on too, Aaron Tveit totally looks really sexy with his hair pushed back).