Drink of choice: choose wisely

So, what does your drink say about you? Absolutely nothing! Your choice of potent potable has no bearing on what kind of person you are in any way, shape or […]


So, what does your drink say about you? Absolutely nothing! Your choice of potent potable has no bearing on what kind of person you are in any way, shape or form.

However…

People love judging. Total Jerk McGuirks (i.e. me) will make vast, gross assumptions about your character based on your most inane decisions, quirks and habits instead of, you know, actually getting to know you. Because conversations are hard.

In that spirit, I would like to present ‘What your drink says about you!’, a game of stereotypes and drinking that’s fun for fellow jerks of all ages. I wholeheartedly encourage you to play along at home, somehow. Let the hate mail commence!

Gin and Tonic

What it says about you — “Mummy just adores gin, we always drink buckets of the stuff at Wimbledon. Oh, do you have the notes from Art History?”

Gin: it’s oh-so-English and oh-so-posh, I guess. The gin and tonic was popularised by colonial Anglo-Indians trying to ward off Malaria while also getting trousered, and while the drink is no longer guaranteed to keep tropical blood parasites at bay, it still has a whiff of the Imperial about it. Presumably it’s drunk at garden parties over long conversations about how cool the monarchy is, usually right before the cucumber-eating contest. Yeah, I’ve never been to a garden party either. Ditto for Pimms, which is gin for people who suck at drinking. 

Ladies, watch out, if an eligible bachelor should hand you a G&T it only means one thing… and it’s not that he thinks you’re a really great girl.

Real Ale

What it says about you — “This place has kind of a harsh vibe, can’t we go somewhere with board games? Yeah, I think the beard’s really working too. No, you may not tug on it.”

Some people are just young at heart. If you’re under the age of 45 and drinking a real ale, you’re not one of those people. Sorry! Your idea of good night likely revolves around sitting for long periods of time. That, and quiz machines. It’s not your fault, though. Real ales are low on alcohol, but are the closest thing to liquid bread since that time I was left alone with the blender and a loaf of bread. Lethargy is an inevitable side effect. Hey, at least beards are still in fashion, maybe.

Vodka Lemonade

What it says about you — “…”

A drink that says you have nothing to say. Is there anything less interesting than a vodka lemonade? It’s the sort of generic, uniform beverage that would be distributed by a hospital that treats sobriety. It’s so boring that I have nothing else to say about it.

Single Malt

What it says about you — “Dad said that, since I don’t golf, I have to try out a bunch of Scotch while I’m here. What? Wait, you’re telling me I’m supposed to sip this?”

Ah, whisky, beloved by JSA’s and people who think they’re Ernest Effing Hemingway. A bit of advice: just because your dad pours you a half-finger of Glenfiddich every Christmas Eve doesn’t mean you have to pretend you’re a connoisseur. Your lips say it’s full-bodied and peaty with notes of plum, but your coughing fit says it tastes like pure gasoline.

Lager

What it says about you — “Banter banter banter banter lad chunder, etc.”

A pint of lager is a refreshing, cheap beverage often copiously consumed during sporting events. It also comes with a free weapon once you’re finished chinning it. Eh, who am I kidding? This is St Andrews, our students are more likely to break out into a capella than glass anyone. RIGHT, LADS?!

Shots

What it says about you — “Tonight is going to be the best night ever! This song is about me! Let’s go get Der— *Barf*”

Shots, what a brilliant concept, drink as much of the strongest alcohol possible as quickly as possible. What could go wrong? For those who just want a night to remember, but end up with the exact opposite.

Alcopop

What it says about you — “I can’t believe they didn’t ask for my ID!”

If you’re drinking an alcopop, you’re 15 and probably not even drunk. Go home.

Rum

What it says about you — “Arrrrggghhhh, matey!”

If you drink straight rum, congratulations! You are a pirate.

 

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image ©fashionbeans.com