Why St Andrews needs a McD’s

For years now, the name of the holy establishment that is McDonald’s has been whispered quietly through the town, remaining a myth to half the student body and forcing the other half to resort to frequent pilgrimages to Dundee in order to savour those fries and nuggets.

We do need McDonald’s. The Fife Council has allegedly rejected the food giant’s appeals to open a branch in our little town over and over again, stating that fast food joints are forbidden in our streets. You may be asking, “how the f**k are Dervish and Empire not fast food?” Well, apparently they exist through loopholes: Dervish is in fact a ‘proper restaurant’ that has a seated lunch service and all the other traits that constitute a legit establishment. Empire, I’m not entirely sure about. That place is definitely a sketchy fast food joint. Subway is actually a ‘sandwich bar’, if you’re wondering. 

However, I for one am getting quite frustrated with being deprived of classic student eateries that are synonymous with university life. I understand the council’s desire to maintain the quiet, unique style of St Andrews, but this has reached new levels of absurdity. Talk of a Wetherspoons opening in Crail’s Lane has swooped the town, and now we will finally have a Nando’s. So I ask myself: why not a McDonald’s?

Empire and Dervish have dominated the late-night-feast market by setting whatever prices they like, sending the honest McDonald’s lover into the belly of the underground black-market that is Dundee. 3rd year Swedish exchange student Tobias Klöse says, “Everywhere you go in Europe, there is a McDonald’s. Everywhere. And suddenly I find myself here where the only fast food satisfaction I can get is a greasy pizza covered in garlic mayo. It’s nonsense!”

In light of the ongoing ‘Horsemeat Scandal’, Sarah Butler of The Guardian recently published an article confirming that McDonald’s burgers are free of horsemeat due to a close relationship between the farmers and the company. Empire, on the other hand, is probably deep-frying ponies by the kilo. Yet another reason to get a McDonald’s!

The fast food industry of St Andrews is in turmoil because the choice is being made for us. Screw the council. Why am I not at liberty to choose what brand of burger I devour at 3 in the morning? McDonald’s would make a huge turnover in our town, certainly raising a great profit for the local council. A 2am Big Mac is an essential part of a night out and I wish to be reunited with that familiar setting because… well, simply because it’s the classic end to a good night. 

Headline image ©telegraph.co.uk