Oscars Recap: Who won big, and who failed hard?

Last year, Billy Crystal hosted the Oscars for the ninth time. Everyone assumed the ceremony would be in good hands with a respected figure like Billy, most commonly known as the guy who persuaded Meg Ryan to fake an orgasm next to a sassy elderly woman. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie’s leg was more entertaining, and producers realised fresh blood was needed. They chose Seth McFarlane, the controversial creator of ‘Family Guy’ and the lost Osmond brother. All eyes were on his opening monologue, which would set the tone for the entire show. One Chris Brown and Rihanna joke later, and it was clear that Seth would live up to his reputation. After a strong start, his hosting faltered when he was relegated to popping up after every ad break and making a sarcastic comment like a snarky jack in the box…

The theme was a celebration of movie music. Think ‘X Factor’ with the kind of ratings Simon Cowell would sell his soul for. His first number was a heartfelt routine about Hollywood actresses entitled ‘We Saw Your Boobs’. Yeah, really. You wouldn’t catch Crystal singing that. But Seth had satisfied his inner frat boy and the rest of the night was classier. Shirley Bassey sang ‘Goldfinger’ over a montage of Bond moments, also featuring Louise Richardson’s BFF Sean Connery. The scene clearly designed as the crowning glory of the night was a mash up of modern musicals: Catherine Zeta Jones blew the budget on tassels for ‘All That Jazz’, Jennifer Hudson sang that neverending song from Dreamgirls, and the cast of Les Miserables stood awkwardly on stage with no choreography. It wasn’t the shining moment producers anticipated, but it gave me an opportunity to stare at Eddie Redmayne’s beautiful face, so I can bring myself to forgive them.

This theme extended into the get-off-the-stage music they play when your acceptance speech has run on too long and you are no longer worthy of anyone’s time. Rather than the usual tinkly piano music, which intimidates no-one, the producers played the Jaws theme tune. The only thing that could have improved that decision was to throw a real shark on stage. Unfortunately, the theme wasn’t played often. The speeches were short and sweet for the most part, with surprisingly few memorable moments from fan favourites like Christoph Waltz and Daniel Day-Lewis. Tarantino talked about how much he “loved the competition” in a speech, which was more Miss World than Pulp Fiction, but my Award for Worst Speech goes to Anne Hathaway. After faking surprise, she put on a breathy voice as if she’d just completed an hour on the treadmill and talked about how ‘her dreams had come true’. Jennifer Lawrence literally fell flat on her face as she collected the Best Actress award, yet she still came across as more charming and natural than Hathaway.

The biggest award of the night is undoubtedly Best Picture, and so the presenter should be someone equally impressive. I was pleased to see Jack Nicholson strut out on stage with his effortless charisma in tow. He’s one of his generation’s finest actors and, despite the massive weight gain and grey hair, I probably still would. He announced that he had a CO-host, and a huge screen descended from the ceiling to show off the only surprise in the most predictable awards ceremony of the year: Michelle Freakin’ Obama. The FLOTUS and Jack (first name basis) had some predictably awesome banter, and then closed the night by announcing that Argo had won Best Picture. I guess that’s how you outdo the Golden Globes.

The Roundup:

   Best Picture – Argo    

Lead Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln

Lead Actress – Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook

Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

Supporting Actress – Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables

Best Directing – Ang Lee, Life of Pi

Adapted Screenplay – Chris Terrio, Argo

Original Screenplay – Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained

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