Patrick Leigh-Pemberton: For the Love of Money

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? Actually, I don’t really want to know. Mostly because I do not want this column to be the bitter single person’s rant about Valentine’s Day, but also because at some point in your plans, I know you will spend some money. Not just some money, either, but way more than you normally would, just to prove that you have some form of affection for the poor person you have persuaded to spend time with you on a regular basis. It is an expensive occasion, especially if you are feeling guilty about something. I do not understand it at all. I do not understand why there is a special day where you simply have to prove how much you care about someone. That is just weird. I do not understand why affection has to be tied up with money, and I most certainly do not understand why it has to be competitive.

You are going to say that none of these things are necessarily true, but deep down, I am ashamed to say (not ashamed on my own behalf, but on the behalf of our whole society. Yes, I am selfless like that..) that we all know that what could be an inherently sweet day has just become another day to prove that you are better than your girlfriend’s sister’s boyfriend. You will try to spend more than him, and say nicer things than him, and be more original than him. How exactly is it that we can take what should be a private affirmation of a relationship’s healthy status and turn it into a competition more sickening than the word limit vs. time competition we get into while in the library smoking area?

I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if ESPN had special coverage of a restaurant on Valentine’s Day in fifteen year’s time. I can imagine the cheesy commentary, preferably done by someone with a faux continental accent. “Robert has said that Shirley can have the lobster, what a gentleman! What is this? James has arranged to sit next to the fire and has bribed the waiter to bring roses in Sarah’s water glass! Well, it is early yet, but I think that this evening’s competition could be an absolute cracker!” 

This competitive edge is a little weird, but the thing that I find even more upsetting is the way most men find it easier to win by just spending more money than the other guy. You can be an inattentive bore in the Adamson and come out with more relationship kudos than the nicest man ever, who took his date to the Whey Pat. We are becoming more and more ready to attach sentimental value to money spent and it is dangerous. The fact that most shops in town now advertise Valentine’s Day just goes to show how much of a money-spinner it has become. It’s wrong. I also think that having a day specifically for those in relationships is wrong… but maybe that’s just me being bitter.