Five things you must do this week…

Return your library books: The pile sitting on your desk is essentially equivalent to a huge pile of cash. The library doesn’t care that exams are done and you don’t want to even think about anything academic, or step foot through those gates of hell again until May – they will mercilessly fine the shit out of you. Go and slot them through that convenient hole in the wall before you have to sell your Christmas presents to pay off the library bailiffs.

Duvet Day: Exams are over. Don’t get dressed. Don’t receive any visitors. You have worked hard for god-knows-how-many weeks on end, holed up in the library or sat in seemingly endless lectures about feminism, or the metaphysical value of renaissance poetry. Spend a day just doing nothing.  Order in so you don’t even have to leave your room! I recommend the honey duck from the Oriental House, or a bento box from Nahm Jim if you’re feeling a little more ‘champagne’.

Shots: For the same reasons as above, you deserve one of those nights out which starts with shots in the union and ends on the floor of the Lizard. Now is the perfect time to really let yourself go, as everyone else will be doing it too – chances are, yet another pile of vomit outside the Union will go unnoticed.

Start Panicking: I have one word that will send shivers down the spines of every single student in this tiny town – accommodation. ACCOMMODATION. Haven’t started looking yet? You’re going to be homeless next year, or worse, living in Dundee. Just kidding, but seriously you should get on that. Get a group together, get some references, start pestering the estate agents for list upon list, and be prepared to stab your best friend in the back to get that three-bedroomed on Market St. Incidentally, if you know of anywhere with five bedrooms and no mould on the walls, drop me line.

Go home: If you can’t remember what an adequately priced Tesco looks like, or feel like a couple of hundred meters walk is just TOO FAR, you are suffering from bubble syndrome. The bus stop is over there.