In defence of: not murdering the new semester

Going to St Andrews generally means that you’re out of step with the rest of society. So I’m not entirely sure what to make of it when I seem to be out of step with the rest of St Andrews. Does that make me normal, or just twice as weird? Anyway, it seems that the worst thing to hit St Andrews since Hurricane Bawbag is the decision to change the semester timetable. I don’t really know why this is so bad. I’ve read India Doyle’s piece on the subject, but I can’t say I find it convincing. For a start, she begins saying that the University has given us a longer Christmas break. Erm, the bastards?

The main argument against the change is that the lack of a reading week leads to burnout. That I have no idea what I’m typing here, or what it means, probably lends credence to this argument. But the fact is, students suffer burnout during exam time. Always. I could have spent the last month of my life on a cocaine fuelled sex-romp in the Caribbean and this crap I’m reading about nuclear proliferation would still make my brain cry.* The majority of us hate exams; there simply is no way of making something like this anything other than a chore.

If you ask me (I know you didn’t, but I’m telling you what I think anyway), the main problem with the change is precisely that: change. People seem to have glossed over just how shit the previous system was. The grass is greener on the other side etc. Sure, we got a week off halfway through the semester which was nice. But in return for having that one week off, we paid the price of having Christmas ruined, and having Christmas ruined is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, anywhere. And that’s a scientific fact. In fact, I remember last Christmas I received dozens of letters from Amnesty International, offering me support and telling me to be strong in my struggle.

Having exams during Christmas denies me the chance to revert to my five year-old self. It stops me from being escorted away by security for pushing stupid little kids out of my way because I want to sit on Santa’s knee. Instead, I’m sat inside poring over notes and trying not to punch children in the face for the crime of actually enjoying this holiday.

Consider the reaction if this way the other way round: if the University decided to introduce exams after Christmas and gave you some poxy week off in week 7. There would be uproar. The headlines would read ‘UNI BASTARDS RUIN CHRISTMAS’. Disturbing pictures of Louise Richardson as the Grinch would be all over Facebook. Riots would take place on Market Street. The UN would send a peacekeeping force.

I’m probably the last person in the world to make this argument, seeing as the last remnants of my friendship circle stopped speaking to me about halfway through my dissertation, but if you feel you need a break… just take one. University isn’t designed to be some totalitarian nightmare, where you’re trapped in this godforsaken town with no way out. If you’ve worked solidly throughout the semester without a break then you’re doing it wrong. It may seem grim now, but in a few weeks I can enjoy my Christmas without the prospect of exams in January – for the first time in six years. This change won’t seem that bad then.

* If the Stand is willing to pay for it, I’m willing to test this hypothesis before exams next semester.