X Factor Live, week 9: In which we giggle at ‘Men’s Semis’

As we reach the semi-finals, all the remaining acts are men which gave my mum the opportunity to laugh hysterically at the thought of “men’s semis.” It seems the producers have finally recognised that the judges are incapable of sticking to even the most obvious themes, so this week the acts had to sing one song for someone special, and another to get them into the final. Apparently, I was wrong in thinking that getting into the final has been their goal for the past nine weeks.

Christopher continued his endless list of “songs for my Nan” with ‘You Raise Me Up’, filled with the usual cliches. I recommend turning the X Factor into a drinking game. If you take a shot every time someone brings out a gospel choir or some fake smoke, you’ll be paralytic by the end of the night. Louis Walsh was pleased with Christopher’s attempts, as it allowed him to mention Westlife, his last relevant musical project.

While Christopher sang with no emotion, Jahmene chose a song which actually encapsulates the theme. He performed ‘I Look to You’, which he sang at his brother’s funeral. I can’t mock his heartfelt performance without seeming like a heartless monster, but luckily for me Nicole provided some fodder by saying the “baby Jesus” came down during his performance. I must have been looking away while the infant prophet floated casually above the stage. His second performance of the night lacked the same punch, but he was still a safe bet for the final.

Union J dedicated their song to their fans in a transparent attempt to win the tween vote.They have obviously attended the One Direction School of Boy Band Success, which blends an unthreatening hint of sexuality with a squeaky clean persona your mother would be proud of. Their second performance was another ballad, ‘I’m Already There’, which Louis once again praised because “Westlife did it.” Unfortunately, this performance was still mind-numbingly boring, proving that their ongoing success can only be down to their perfect cheekbones.

I’m getting tired of praising James Arthur, but he once again managed to impress even the harshest critics. His first song, U2’s ‘One Love’, was well sung but uninspiring compared to his past attempts. His second performance made up for it. He took on ‘The Power of Love’, a song currently annoying the nation on the latest John Lewis advert. He has made Frankie Goes to Hollywood seem cool for the first time since that irritating fad for “Frankie Says Relax” t-shirts.

This week the public had the final say in who would leave. This would have been more dramatic had the judges not sent the vote to deadlock for the first four weeks of the competition. Christopher’s baffling popularity meant that Union J got the boot, but the boy band gold rush means that a record deal is a fait accompli.