X Factor Live, week 8: ABBA Vs. Motown Vs. Good Taste

It has been eight long, long weeks, but we are approaching the final hurdle with only five acts remaining. Apparently, the real test of talent these days is making people sing for four whole minutes a night, so the acts all had to deliver two songs instead of one. The pressure was intensified after the shock departure of Ella last week. Every contestant and judge noted that “anyone could be eliminated.” It only took them eight weeks to grasp the basic format of the competition. That must be some kind of record.

In the weirdest culture clash since Louis and Tulisa’s first meeting, the theme this week was ABBA versus Motown. ABBA would seem perfect for cheesy pop acts Christopher and Rylan, but neither one impressed. The only highlight of Rylan’s performance were the back up dancers, dressed like glittery chess pieces plucked from Tim Burton’s nightmares. Their parents must be so proud.

Meanwhile, Christopher has now completed his fame induced descent into madness, and spent his entire introduction banging on about how he’s the “people’s choice.” His performance of ‘Fernando’ even featured a pretentious interpretative dance routine, which Louis found distracting due to the topless men (his words, not mine).

Speaking of closeted homosexuality, the increasingly irritating teenage girls who stalk Union J received a devastating blow when band member Jamie (the slightly uglier one with the decent voice) came out this week. I for one was shocked. Next you’ll be telling me George Michael is gay.

Much to nobody’s surprise, the highlight came from James Arthur. His rendition of ‘SOS’ was brilliant, without the slightest hint of ABBA cheese. My love for him only grew stronger after his rendition of Motown classic ‘Let’s Get it On’. Despite his gap teeth and Deirdre Barlow glasses, he smoothed over the entire audience. Even Gary was craving a bit of James Arthur loving by the end of the performance. Nicole, ever the wordsmith, declared that lots of babies would be conceived that night, no doubt sparking some awkward conversations for families up and down the country.

However, all eyes were on Jahmene, the self proclaimed Motown fanatic. He chose ‘The Tracks of My Tears’ as his piece of the night. Motown is supposed to be his niche, but his dull performance was overshadowed. When a cruise ship singer and a Westlife cover band with shiny hair are more entertaining than you, it’s time to shake up your act.

After the mediocre performances, only James seemed safe. I’ve given up hope of getting Christopher out, but I was happy to see Rylan and Union J facing elimination. The judges finally put an end to Rylan’s hopes of stardom, although I predict a cameo on TOWIE and an exercise DVD will appear in the near future.