X Factor Live, week 7: even guiltier pleasures

The theme this week was ‘guilty pleasures’, which is fitting for a show only 13-year-old girls admit to watching. The contestants visited Disneyland and attended the Twilight premiere, convincing me once and for all that it would be far more sensible to audition for a talent show than to finish my lab report.

Union J kicked off the show. After destroying the dreams of fellow boyband District 3 last week, they were riding high. Their Disneyland set went down well, although the crowd probably thought they were watching One Direction. Their performance of ‘Call Me Maybe’, the most annoying song of 2012, was average. They wore suits borrowed from the wardrobe of the Young Apprentice and jumped off a box (again) in a moment reminiscent of a High School Musical freeze frame. Tulisa wasn’t impressed, calling the original song “too cheesy.” This comment provoked the indignation of Ed Balls, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, who took a break from spending our money to tweet his love for Carly Rae Jepsen. I await the day when British politicians accept their Oxbridge roots and stop trying to be ‘ordinary-cool’.

I watched this show with a mild hangover, leaving no-one safe from my vitriol. Even the singers I once enjoyed have started to grate on me. Ella sang ‘You’re the One That I Want’ from Grease, the classic that teaches young girls that boys only like them if they change everything about themselves. The same goes for Jahmene. He put his Motown twist on ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way’, one of my favourite 80’s tunes. I got so excited when I heard the opening bars that I punched the air in excitement. I am that sad. Too bad his performance was just decent.

Every week James Arthur has been my highlight. He sang ‘Can’t Take my Eyes Off You’, which is a bit too reputable to be a guilty pleasure. His performance was effortless and the judges unanimously praised him. Gary even said he wanted James to win, completely disregarding his own act poor old Christopher. I wouldn’t be surprised if a mysterious Black Swan-esque “accident” befalls James next week.

It seems Christopher had nothing to worry about though, as he made it through to next week. I’m hoping this has all been an elaborate practical joke, and someone will announce that Christopher actually got voted out weeks ago. As that is yet to happen, Ella and James unfortunately found themselves facing the chop, and Ella was sent packing. With the loss of her final act, I suspect we will soon see the return of chavvy Tulisa in all her glory.