Elle Savage: A compilation of reflections

The past few weeks have held some of the most fun, frightening, and overall sloppy occasions that will grace this year’s social calendar. I won’t bother writing stories about never making it to Bongo Ball and deciding to “take a nap” next to Younger Hall as the buses rolled by or even attempting to remember enough of Raisin to construct a sentence about the affair. That being said, I consider these events to be times of learning life lessons, and call it a Christmas miracle, I learned quite a few recently:

1. When you drink absinthe, you see green fairies. When you drink Buckfast, you see your life turn into an afterschool special.

2. It doesn’t matter if a girl is wearing a striped dress on Halloween. She probably isn’t dressed as the Hamburgler, and she probably won’t appreciate you yelling it at her every time you cross paths for an entire evening.

3. A salad isn’t a salad when the dressing is mayonnaise. It’s a cry for help.

4. If you find yourself in a charity shop looking at a plastic diamond necklace for your Halloween costume, do not ask the lady behind the register if she is absolutely positive that they aren’t blood diamonds. At the very best, she will be unamused. At the very worst, she’ll go ask her boss.

5. Toastie Bar Christians do not appreciate being impersonated. Do not buy ten toasties and pretend to be Mother Teresa and pass them out to ‘the needy.’ You will be told to cease and desist.

6. Do not, for any reason, refer to a member of the Lumsden Society as a ‘husband hunter’. They will remember, and they will not let you have the free flyer they are trying to give away in front of the Union. Therefore, obviously, you will be emotionally devastated.

7. If you find yourself starting too many of your stories with ‘… well I was coming back from drinking in a van…’ or ‘…this one time when I was standing on my street corner…’, take a nap, read a book. Literally do anything but what you were planning on doing, because what you were planning is just going to lead to an uncomfortable conversation with your doctor later on in life.

8. If you live next to an old man who hates you, do not play the drinking game Thumper. He will think you have started a fight club, and will call your landlord for domestic violence.

9. When your friends are starting Secret Santa, make it clear that there’s no need to get creative with a gift for you because you’re already registered at Luvians.

10. When you’re kicked out of the Lizard on a week night, don’t try to name-drop weekend bouncers with the week night bouncers. Trust me, it’s not all about ‘who you know’.

11. When you’re so drunk that the guys who work at Dervish won’t even make inappropriate, sexist comments to you, go home, regroup, and fight that fight another day.

12. If the only thing you got out of your Costa Rican service project was the drinking game ‘Fuck You, You Fat Bitch’, then perhaps considering yourself a ‘humanitarian’ is a bit excessive.

13. When having a serious discussion about what your spirit animal would be, do not say ‘vodka’. Apparently, vodka is not an appropriate spirit animal, and you will be judged vehemently for the rest of the evening.

14. If you find yourself about to end a list on the number 13, don’t. You don’t need any of that negative voodoo shit in your life.

If these lessons help anyone, I’m happy you can learn from a kindred spirit. If not, there’s no need to judge our way of life. If you see a fellow student stumbling home wearing one heel, don’t be a Benedick Arnold and call her out for being ‘inappropriate’ or drunkenly trying to eat the vegetables outside of Mitchells. Say ‘you go Glen Coco’ and give her a pat on the back. Actually, best not pat her on the back…especially if you’re wearing nice shoes.