SASSy: St Andrews Student Sex Survery

The results of The Stand’s Great St Andrews Sex Survey are in! A terrifying thing, student sex surveys… what you’re essentially doing is venturing forth willingly into an Emin-esque landscape […]


The results of The Stand’s Great St Andrews Sex Survey are in!

A terrifying thing, student sex surveys… what you’re essentially doing is venturing forth willingly into an Emin-esque landscape of mangled duvets, semen-stained bed sheets and carpets peppered with fag-ends, used condoms and that book with the orange and white cover. The fetid atmosphere of post-coital disappointment, desperation and guilt hangs thick in the air, just beneath that fading poster of Che Guevara, the revolutionary hero of a million Halls’ bedrooms, seemingly condemned to oversee the inept eight-legged flailing octopus of studentdom for all eternity.

Who could possibly want to record such rancidness? Furthermore, who among you would even agree to participate in the survey? Well, astonishingly and rather wonderfully, 705 of you would: 419 girls, 281 guys and 5 transsexuals… And the results are in.

St Andrews University is overrun with heterosexuals (I know… me neither) with a whopping 86.5%. 5% adhere to the concept of fluid sexuality, 4% are bi-sexual (there is a difference, apparently) and homosexuals are seriously underrepresented with only 3-4%.

59% of you sink the link in St Andrews on a weekly basis, 6% are fortnightly fornicators and 15% indulge in a spot of monthly mutual-molestation. At the polarised ends of the sex-spectrum 13% are having relations on a daily basis, this group are easy to spot – they wear curious, other-worldly, distant expressions, like they’re actually seeing into the beyond (this rule is redundant in Art History classes) – while 6% are only getting it on once a year… Once a year? Members of a ‘fluid’ religious order?

Apparently, 16% of you have dismissed one-night-stands and instead are awaiting that deep and meaningful relationship: admirable. 12% introduce new friends to their old friend once a month: spirited. A further 12% fuck a stranger every semester, usually during Raisin weekend: reckless. 13% used to hit and quit until they were nullified by a relationship: whipped. And a colossal 44% have never had a one-night-stand: lies.

Reassuringly, the prospect of academic incest is revolting to 59% of you. Mom has been banged by a sordid 3%, dad has been humped by a depraved 5%, siblings have been soiled by 14%; 18% of you have coupled with cousins and a paltry, but quite debauched, 2% have stooped with the troops.

All in all, I think you’ll agree it’s a rather chaste collection of stats and accounts for our relatively poor placing on the University Sex League: No 50. The Sex Pistols informed us that they were ‘frigging in the rigging, ‘cause there’s fuck all else to do…’ or maybe that was Byron. Living anywhere in Fife for a prolonged period is the equivalent of being cast adrift from the rest of humanity, so if you’re not having sex, then what on earth are you doing? The answer, it would appear, is studying and working your academic asses off. Only one of the universities in the top ten of the academic league appears in the top ten of the sex league (Heriot-Watt) and only another two in the top twenty. Bangor (please) stomped to a proud and erect first place on the sex league, but limped to a rather flaccid 78th place on the academic league – it’s one of two Welsh universities in the sex top five and enthusiastically proves the ‘Pistols rule. This suggests that students, on the whole, bestow a priority either on sex or on study, with St Andrews students clearly favouring the latter, while Scousers and the Welsh forego the world of academia for a skank-laden myriad of riotous rutting.

Finally, the most surprising statistic: only 17% commit to masturbating on a daily basis, which proves once and for all that there aren’t nearly as many wankers at St Andrews University as the rest of Scotland believes.

 

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