How to Break Up With Your Academic Parent(s)

The status quo for ditching an academic parent is to ignore them until they go away (which is also how T.I. recommends we deal with haters). Certain there was a better method, I conducted a highly unscientific survey on the topic. Despite the varied break-up catalysts (predictable-yet-still-concerning amounts of incest and vomit, plus one potential hit-and-run) there were essentially only two other methods of leaving a parent: being honest or being “really, really, busy”.

Outlined below are each of the three strategies, with a section on risk assessment. The first risk criteria cover damage to the other party (just how shit did you make them feel?) and to yourself (are you ashamed of your behaviour? Are other people ashamed for you?). The third is a hypothetical situation predicting just how awkward future interactions with the ex-parent will be. In this case, we posit that you are reaching for a packet of reduced price bacon when you suddenly find yourself making perfunctory eye contact with your ex-parent who is standing in the self-checkout queue.

A) It’s Not You, It’s Me

The first option is one of tactful honesty. It is the most rational and probably the most ethical. Instead of maintaining an elaborate web of lies, you simply tell the other party that you want to end your parent-child relationship. Avoid the temptation to lie by having a swift escape plan in place and refusing to give a reason any more specific than “I think it would be better if we weren’t academically related, you know?”. Regarding tact, other than making everything a question and adding “you know?” to imply that it was mutual, I have no advice for you. Tact is something I have never understood nor possessed, and Google just led me to a predictably unenlightening forum on eNotAlone.com.

Projected Future Relationship: Cordial

Damage to Other Party: Mild

Damage to Yourself: Low

Tesco Response: Pleasant. Exchange greetings; before leaving make a jovial-bordering-flirty gesture (maybe wink? clever comment about bacon?). Any awkwardness is on them; you are cheery and oblivious.

B) You Would Not Believe How Busy I Am!

You’re right, I don’t, nor does anyone else. Silly fresher, no job, sports club, society, or first year module could ever take up so much of your time that you can’t attend a single family event. Yet for some reason this is one of the most popular methods. For those who insist on excuses, your best scenario is to embrace the preposterousness of your fictitious diary and claim membership in a secret society. The logic is flawless: the surplus of secret societies in St Andrews is frivolous and absurd, with schedules to match which result in your never being free, ever. Your future-ex-parent will undoubtedly try to guess-and-impress by listing all the secret societies he or she knows, but they haven’t heard of this one.

Injury to Other: Low. They will be glad to get away from a secret society wanker.

Injury to Self: Very High. It’s supposed to be a secret, you arrogant idiot.

Tesco Response: Strained. Greet enthusiastically; keep walking whilst giving brief anecdotal excuse for missing last dinner, “There was this thing with the underground tunnel network and the initiation…see you around!”

C) Disappear and Pretend They’ve Done the Same

Overwhelmingly the most popular way to un-adopt yourself, this is the only method that doesn’t require any strategic thought – or any thought at all, actually. The whole point is that you literally do nothing.

Injury to Other: High.

Injury to Self: Medium.

Tesco Response: High-stress situation. At first you will have to stop and offer many awkward excuses that you both know are lies (see above); soon you will be darting behind strangers and sale displays in order to hide from your shame.

So, freshers wishing to leave their parents, take your pick. Honesty is theoretically the best policy but requires both tact and a distressing confrontation, whilst lying ultimately reflects worse on you but has potential for great fun. Thus, unless you are a budding diplomat or someone who really enjoys conspiracy theories, your best bet is to probably stick with the status quo. It’s rude and awkward, but compared to other methods you emerge relatively unscathed and free to spend a happy Raisin with the parents you actually like.