X Factor Live, week 3: In da club, apparently

As a proud owner of The Ministry of Sound Anthems 1991-2008 album, I was happy to hear that this week’s theme was club classics. I dance around the house on a regular basis to embarrass my flatmate, so I was expecting some top notch material. Alas, it was just another opportunity for the producers to take upbeat songs and turn them into acoustic ballads. Sigh.

The only ballad which worked was James Arthur’s rendition of ‘Sexy and I Know It’. I’m probably biased—he is my favourite act—but I don’t care. His rendition was intense but fun, confirming I would marry his voice and raise a family of little voices if I had the chance.

Since the acts are starting to blend into a mass of semi-talented simpletons, the judges have ramped up their attention-seeking antics. The tempestuous love affair of Wallow (Walsh and Barlow) is back on, but my gold star goes to Nicole. After her baby oil comments last week, she decided to make up her own language. That includes describing performances as “shamazing” and “gorge-ouis.” If she carries on down this path she’ll be speaking in tongues by next week, so I’m thinking of writing a Scherzinger dictionary just in case.

After weeks of dreary songs the acts finally had the chance to entertain people, and they wasted it. Those who didn’t take the ballad road managed to choose songs which aren’t even club classics. Take Jahmene, for example. He gave a great performance, but I can’t imagine many clubs playing ‘I Say A Little Prayer’ in between the dubstep, except perhaps a disco at a convent.

Even the normally reliable acts disappointed. Ella took on ‘You’ve Got the Love’, one of my favourite songs. Florence and the Machine’s butchered version is so bad that I pledged to never buy any of her singles, so Ella had a lot to live up to. Her vocals were good, but she stomped all over something I love, so she has gone down in my estimations.

The surprise of the night was District 3. The battle of the boybands has been surprisingly stale, without any of the bloodshed I was hoping for. Despite my hatred for teeny bopping boybands who only succeed because of their looks, I actually found myself smiling at District 3’s performance of Madcon’s ‘Beggin’’. They are definitely one to watch out for next week, especially if it leads to a catfight between the bands’ obsessive fans.

Most of the acts rested at the bottom this week, but it was MK1 and Kye who received the lowest number of votes. MK1 are more entertaining, but Kye gave his first decent performance in the sing off. For the third week in a row, the judges proved themselves redundant by taking the vote to deadlock, sending home MK1. They’ll be missed, until next week when everyone will have forgotten they existed.