Academic Parenthood: what (not) to do.

I suppose that abuse amongst families works in the academic world as it does in the real. Those who come from broken homes and fractured beginnings are, I’m told, more […]


I suppose that abuse amongst families works in the academic world as it does in the real. Those who come from broken homes and fractured beginnings are, I’m told, more likely to inflict this kind of dysfunction to their own, pitiful spawn.

I remember being a confused fresher in the corridors McIntosh, approaching some equally confused JSAs and asking them to adopt me. Given neither of us really understood how this was supposed to work, our star-crossed, bastard-child progeny was born. Needless to say, our family didn’t last more than a semester.

I won’t go into the details of my personal failures as an academic parent; suffice to say my record reads similarly to across between King Henry VIII (disowned, dropped-out, incessed, disowned, dropped out, depressed) and Josef Fritzl.

So here’s a fool proof, step-by-step guide to successful adopting – learnt from my mistakes and the successes of my peers.

1. Don’t try and adopt freshers just so they’ll join your society.

Remember how many clubs you signed up for in freshers’ week? How many did you stick with? Adopting kids on the assumption they’ll carry on with your hobby will have a brief honeymoon period where you show them off as the new star of the… flatball team… followed by comical chastisement when they don’t turn up to training, followed by awkward promises to turn up next week, followed by avoiding each other in Tesco on Raisin Weekend.

2. (If you want a successful academic family) DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR KIDS!

At least not until Raisin Weekend. Maybe there are a few too many caveats in there. I wish I’d either been adopted by parents who’d stuck around or at least been one; sleeping with your kids makes it impossible to be the role model you might otherwise want to be.

3. Keep in touch.

Organise regular meet ups and get them to bring a bottle to build up a booze stash for Raisin Weekend. Have pre-Raisin parties to get them all bonded. Not in that way.

4. Meet their friends.

Become the coolest family in town by adopting all your kids’ mates!

5. Get them wasted.

When Raisin Weekend comes, don’t bottle it, you owe it to them to give them a night they’ll never remember! (Again, not in that way.)

 

Image: Kelly Diepenbrock