X Factor Live, week 2: Love, heartbreak, and earache.

Love and heartbreak were the themes this week, so we got more stuffed with soppy ballads than the cheesiest of rom coms. While the performances were high on heartbreak, the […]


Love and heartbreak were the themes this week, so we got more stuffed with soppy ballads than the cheesiest of rom coms.

While the performances were high on heartbreak, the female judges were feeling the love. Nicole and Tulisa deliberately tested the uptight mothers of Britain who wait by their televisions, ready to take note of anything which may destroy their child’s innocence. Highlights included Nicole flirting with every male who took to the stage, telling the- boyband-formerly-known-as-GMD3 that they should “rub baby oil on themselves.” Tulisa tried to claw the spotlight back by telling warbling Melanie that she was a MILF. It was at this point that the Chief of Ofcom’s head exploded, and they thanked their lucky stars that the guest performer was sugary sweet Taylor Swift rather than a leather-clad Lady Gaga.

The X Factor PR machine came out in full force. In keeping with the theme, 16 year old Ella was paired off like a child bride with Union J’s George. The attention didn’t seem to bother her too much, as she gave a beautiful rendition of ‘Lovin’ You’ and managed to hit each and every excruciatingly high note.

The great love affair between Gary Barlow and Louis Walsh (I’m calling them Wallow) is definitely over after last week’s drama. Rylan, the cause of the most excessively publicised break up since Brad and Jen, was surprisingly entertaining on what was an otherwise dull night. He sang a mashup of Take That, ‘Groove is in the Heart’, and that classic love song, ‘Gangnam Style’. Watching a group of dancers in panda costumes strut their stuff along a catwalk flanked by Karl Lagerfeld clones was sickly, but oddly satisfying—like chips with ice cream.

He was at least better than Gary’s serious act, Kye. He wailed through ‘Love the Way You Lie’ in a performance which made even Rihanna seem like a good live singer. We can enjoy Rylan, safe in the knowledge that he’s more TOWIE than Top of the Pops, but Kye’s rock star delusions make for an uncomfortable experience.

For the second week in a row, my favourite acts were James and Lucy. The producers decided to schedule the Northerners back to back, dressing them in winter coats and hats. You know, because it’s cold up North, obviously. James performed ‘No More Drama’, while Lucy’s take on ‘Gold Digger’ was amusing without being tacky. I would advise you to watch out for these two, but with Louis on the panel, talent is largely irrelevant.

Melanie and District 3 found themselves in the sing off. The panel seem to believe that a judge’s job is to ramble for five minutes without coming to any conclusion, so the vote was sent to deadlock again, with Melanie going home. She was never likely to win, but I would rather listen to her than suffer through another week of cheesy boy-band faces.