Patrick Leigh-Pemberton: Think before you drink

You may or may not have noticed that the GIG’s latest event is called “BlackOut”. Now, whilst I appreciate that every now and again we all love nothing more than drinking ourselves into the foetal position, perhaps we should refrain from calling events after this eventual consequence of indulgence. I am not one of those who will badger you about responsible drinking, mostly because I really do not care what you get up to, and because irresponsible drinking is, wait for it, fun.

It just seems funny to me that a society with a genuinely serious approach to covering their members with financial glory should encourage so many others to cover themselves in vomit. And it is here that I really get to my point. Why is it that so many of St Andrews’ largest nights are organised by bodies whose ideals would appear to be diametrically opposed to promoting heavy boozing?

The GIG is not alone amongst these groups, but, as it will proudly tell you, it is one of the largest student run societies we have, and so would seem rather important. It runs regular recruiting sessions, for those keen to sell themselves into the corporate world and become desk-driving, clock-watching, bonus-obsessed monkeys running along the arms of the Giant Vampire Squids (for legal reasons, I will not name any particular institutions here), and has its own trust fund, sorry, “equity investment fund”. It is rather serious. Perhaps this event is designed to allow people to really experience what the bonus binge is like, I do not know, but it does seem rather incongruous with all the other things GIG appears to be promoting.

Similarly, some of the most regularly heavy drinking groups in St Andrews would appear to be the Sports Clubs. Now, I have no real experience of these venerable groups, and have a seriously limited desire to change that fact, but it does seem odd to me that every Wednesday evening, the normal people of St Andrews must cower in their rooms for fear of being accosted by our elite athletes on their weekly attack on their livers, their reputations, and the towns supply of lager. Not because of what they get up to, but because these groups are ostensibly brought together by activities that apparently promote fitness.

These are not the only groups where this paradox would appear to exist, but I have already offended the richest students and the most physically able, so in the interests of self-preservation and word limits, I shan’t mention any more.

That does not mean that they don’t exist. But why don’t we set up a group which does not need to hide behind other interests in order to get [insert noun/verb here]ed. Evidently, it would be hard for someone to found a group called “The St Andrews Heavy Drinking Society”, but why on earth must we all hide our student desires to “smash it” until “shit gets loose” behind these groups that are, to all extensive purposes, perfectly respectable. Well, sort of respectable. Okay, so the sports groups are respectable. I have a great idea for the name of this group – “The Student Body that does not need to pay a membership fee in order to enjoy itself” . It may be a bit long winded, but I think it might work. (Like most of my articles, really.)