Patrick Leigh-Pemberton: A Testament to Library Fashion

You know that feeling you sometimes get when you realise that you are the worst dressed person in the room? I get that feeling maybe five times a week. All of them in the library. Now, I used to think that this was a bad thing. I used to feel affronted by the superior styles on show in what should be a centre of academic study, which is not typically a platform for the best that New York, Paris, Milan and Oslo have to offer. I used to wonder what could possibly induce someone to wear heels to write an essay, and I used to come to the conclusion that these people were insecure and desperate. I imagine that some of the people I used to bitch with are now feeling betrayed by the evident past tense of this last sentence, and to them I apologise, but I would crave the boon of just 348 more words to make my new, improved case.

Where I once would have described someone in the Library in heels as having low esteem, I now know that this simply is not true. I recently had the distinct pleasure of conversing with one of the more noticeable examples of this subgenre of our society, and to say that she suffered low self-esteem would be as inaccurate as a gunner in the US Air Force. What does this mean, I hear you cry? Why should it matter? If she is arrogant, surely that is even worse than what you thought before?

Well, maybe. But as far as why she dresses so well in the Library goes, it changes the whole picture entirely.

Before, I thought the people desperately trying to gain our approval didn’t like themselves at all, but now that I know that they love themselves, I am flattered by the fact that they have made this effort to gain our approval. If I loved myself that much (which I do), I would turn up to the library wearing my mother’s maternity shirt and a fez (which I haven’t done simply because I cant find my fez), because I do not really mind what anyone else thinks of me. But they don’t, they look for our respect, and to do this, they have to give us respect first. To dress this well is the first, and best way, to be polite to a group of people at a time. The same reasons that drive us to wear a nicer shirt for a tutorial drive them to wear the latest from DVF ready-to-wear collection. So think about this in the library, and don’t feel bad when everyone else looks classier than you – feel touched that they care what you think.

Now, having accepted this argument, because all opposition has been crushed under the weight of my unstoppable and commendable logic, think about one last thing. Everybody here dresses well. Well, not everybody obviously (I will find that fez, and then you will see pure style), but as far as universities go, we are a well-dressed bunch of people. Sure, some of us overdo it. Sure, some of us don’t like the way certain others dress, or what their choices say about them, but everybody here makes some sort of an effort. And I think that it is really nice of all of you to dress like that just for my respect. As soon as my tailor has lowered his prices, I will do my best to show you some.