India Doyle: do somethin’

Last week, I wrote about ghost hunting. I thought it was up there in the top 50 things that I’ve ever written, but 46 people, at least, thought it was ‘sad’. Because they were too scared to write an actual disparaging comment at the bottom, I can’t pull a Jamie Ross style ‘name and shame’, but you know who you are – even if I don’t.

Anyway, given that people think I’m sad, I’m going to write a column this week to prove you all wrong. I’m going to write about something very close to my heart: the difference between PCs and Macs. Actually, I’m going to write about Toshibas and Macs, because that’s what I know about. And they’ve paid me a lot of money to do a bit of product placement.

The differences between Toshibas and Macs are as follows:

1) A Toshiba is generally black in colour. Although occasionally you can buy ones that aren’t black. Macs tend to be silver or white.

2) A Toshiba uses Windows Live Photo Gallery. A Mac uses iPhoto.

3) A Toshiba will look conspicuous in the Library. A Mac will not.

4) Unlike a Mac, a Toshiba will never look comfortable next to your iPod; get a Zen.

5) A 2009 model of a Toshiba is very difficult to transport to the library. A 2009 model of a Mac is easier to transport to the library – probably.

6) A Toshiba will get viruses and break. A Mac will have coffee spilled on it and break.

JOOOKES. I had you guys for a second there, didn’t I? Even I can’t go on with that mindless shit.

What’s happened, St Andrews? Last year there was a never-ending torrent of scandal and abuse that gave me an ample source of things to comment on and dissect. This year, everything is apparently golden. Why are we all so boring? Where’s the sex, drugs and rock and roll that permeated the town throughout last year? I want to see cracked out students bringing sheep into the library; girls overthrowing the leaders of Kate Kennedy; male students seducing Louise Richardson; DONT WALK models sleeping with FS models; Lumsden hating their crew; Tesco having a food fight with Sainsbury’s on Market Street; dead monks being uncovered on every single street; Pigeon Slayers uniting and running amock in the badlands; KFB turning into KFC; cocaine-fuelled Bop outings…. anything really, that isn’t just another repeat of a ‘boozeday-Tuesday’, where everyone is, in fact, sober.

If you won’t do it for me, do it for yourselves. Because currently, the grannies on their mobility scooters look a lot more rebellious than us, the students, who are wasting our youth checking in and out of the library. I say this out of love, St Andrews, because if we carry on like this, we might all end up getting those mythical Firsts or even worse, becoming academics.