A Virtual Kiss

It has been heart-warming to witness the intensity of effort that has gone into the various, and excellent, guides to allow freshers to seamlessly slip into the rigours of student […]


It has been heart-warming to witness the intensity of effort that has gone into the various, and excellent, guides to allow freshers to seamlessly slip into the rigours of student life. And rightly so. One can only imagine the trauma involved in negotiating the transition from life as a straight-A pupil to life as a student in one of the nation’s best and most expensive universities… the little dears. Granted, my own fresher experience was a number of years ago, but I received no such pampering and had to fend for myself. I made innumerable mistakes (one involving a crumpled fedora and an unfeasibly angry Art History student), but was the better man (and student) for it. Would it have been too much to ask for second year students to line the entrance to halls while the new arrivals were descending upon it and chant: “Fresh fish, fresh fish”?  Probably.  

Still, in the spirit of the recent fresher-friendly guides, I have one of my own to impart – although I feel that for some of you it may already be too late.  

In the pre-digital era the two most common things a student gathered during Fresher’s Week were drug-induced nightmares and STDs. While I’m certain that they both still feature, they have been supplanted in number by mobile phone contacts and facebook friends. You will already have embarked on a number of virtual relationships, the majority of which will fizzle out until, driven by one inane, self-obsessed update too many, you’ll put your newfound friends on ‘newsfeed ignore’ and eventually banish them to the cyber void during a mean-spirited ‘friend cull’ –  about three months from now.

Only a few chosen people will remain in your virtual realm and the cultivation of each of those relationships requires the stealth-like navigation of a Navy Seal. Even with a supreme command of language, text messages and facebook comments remain ambiguous. The only way to ensure your intentions are not misconstrued is by the number of kisses you leave at the end of a message.

Even a message as trite and seemingly innocuous as, ‘you’re cute, lol’ (the very presence of ‘lol’ should ensure top spot in the aforementioned cull, but that’s for another article), can be interpreted accurately by following this simple guide:

No kisses – I’m barely aware of your existence and/or want you to stop texting me.
x – I like you and I’m tentatively seeking reciprocation.
xx – I’d like to sleep with you.
xxx – I understand the concept of casual sex, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
xxxx – If you ever leave me I’ll kill myself.
xxxxx (etc.) – I made a cut-out mask of your face and attached it to my cat’s head.

Finally: be consistent. Trust me, there is no more depressing conversation in life than the, ‘how come you only left me two kisses in your last text’ discussion….  

Do you disagree? Write a rebuttal!

 

Photo © Anna Gudnason