Patrick Leigh-Pemberton: Sober in September

I think it’s a control thing. I don’t really know, but being sober is always an interesting time for me. I start off fresh faced and self-righteous, enjoying the amazing and rare ability to get out of bed in the morning. I end up smug and bored, enjoying the countdown I have set on my phone until 00:01 on October 1st. I do not for one moment imagine that doing this in any other month would be any easier, as they have all the same pitfalls of parties, long afternoons, long mornings and longer evenings when temptation becomes almost too much to handle, but September does have Freshers week.

This is the easiest week ever to be sober, for a variety of reasons. The most important reason amongst these is total recall. As the one person who was completely sober at that totes amazeballs house party the night before, I am POWERFUL. I know what Rupert Murdoch feels like when he rings up David Cameron for a favour. Conversations tend to go like this: “Hey Leonard*, fancy cooking me lunch? Oh, that is a pity; I’ll have to have lunch with Eduardo instead. I do have a funny story to tell him about last night. What? You don’t remember what happened? That is bizarre, you were very involved… Oh, Moules Frites at yours in half an hour. Sounds great. Yeah, I do prefer Caspian Beluga caviar. How kind of you to remember! Ciao.” This is particularly useful in Freshers week, when St Andrews takes a daily trip into the plot lines of Eastenders between about 1 and 4 AM.

Another thing that is particularly useful about being sober is the ability to be the only vaguely conscious person in an early morning tutorial. This allows me to make a significant contribution early on, establishing a position whereby I do not actually ever have to talk again. When it is October 2nd and Nuclear Test Facilities are competing with hobnailed booted gremlins for space on the surface of my brain, it is completely acceptable for me to fall off my chair occasionally, as the Tutor remembers my previous brilliance. It does have a flipside, however, of making everyone else in the room think that I am a bit of a dick (which only prevents that disappointing realisation later on in our friendship).

Then there is the money. When sober, I spend very little on drinks and the ensuing luxuries that go with it (Empire/Dervish, Hospital fees, bail, etc.), and thus can devote this week to meeting everyone else’s expenditure by buying the important things in life (ashtrays, plates, small portraits of people that look a bit funny…whatever Rummage or Curiosity have to offer really). Though this prevents me from having extra cash, my room now resembles that of an old woman coming to terms with the death of her 14^th favourite cat, which is the look I have always really strived for.                  

These are the reasons I have chosen for September Sobriety… or they may just be the justifications I have dreamt up for this article. Who knows? Whatever they may be, however, I would recommend the experience to anyone, mostly because blackmail is so fun.

*Names have been changed to protect identity. Foodstuffs have been changed so that I appear sophisticated.