India Doyle: Why are we obsessed with royal genitals?

In the past few weeks the Royal Family have been getting naked. Presumably this happens at least once a day, but it’s just that we haven’t had the pleasure of seeing the Queen in her birthday suit splashed on the front page of The Sun, yet.

Harry predictably kicked off the party in Vegas, doing what he seems to do best, getting wasted and being the ‘ultimate lad’. Personally, I don’t think playing strip billiards seems particularly exciting, he could have spent his time re-enacting Oceans 11 instead. Still, whatever gets the bastion of the people going, eh?

More recently, Kate Middleton was spied by someone, who in any other situation would have been branded a pervert, walking around with her top off. Presumably she was trying to demonstrate last year’s GIG adverts for her balding Prince. It is, after all, important to stay in touch with ‘The Bubble’, even after you’ve gone.

The world watched eagerly as a ‘will they/won’t they’ publishing debate roared. The people of our great nation discussed, in depth, the morality of this exposure. Finally, some of the world’s leading publications stood up for our civil rights and we all saw that, shock horror, Harry looks like every other male when he’s naked. I haven’t seen the ones of Kate Middleton but presumably if her nipples were weird, ‘Women’s Hour’ would have been waxing lyrical about them in a series of programmes about abnormal breasts.

My point then – and I realise that by the time this is published something else more interesting will have happened, so I’m opening a broader topic up for discussion – is, once we have exposed the ‘Royals’ and reduced them to the same state as us earthly mortals, what justification is there for them to remain in a grossly alleviated social position?

How can we justify events like the Jubilee if the Queen is just another ageing body? I mean, I would like to have a big party for my grandmother when she’s feeling a bit low, but for some reason Robbie Williams just won’t get out of bed for that. Neither will Kylie, nor Gary Barlow.

The only way then, that the Royal Family can justifiably stay ‘royal’, is if they basicaly create the Jubilee on a daily basis and start making us believe that they really are God’s chosen people. If every day, the whole nation had to pause and sing ‘God Save the Queen’ whilst facing the direction of Buckingham Palace, their clan might seem a bit divine again.

Surely the whole point of the Royal Family is that they are not like us, they’re the better version; a luxury brand against the rest of us Tesco Value. And if our Prince is behaving like one of the kids on Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents and is, in fact, just the same as the rest of us (albeit with a lot more money), what purpose does he serve?

In an age where the idea of the Divine is pretty much redundant in the Western World, we all have to work together to keep up the idea of Divine Rule. Everyone should have a framed portrait of ‘Her Maj’ in their sitting room and no-one should be able to access compromising pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge. Because if we don’t do this, and the illusion is shattered once and for all, then I don’t see why they should stay on at Buckingham Palace, do you?