The Lizard lowdown

As a naive, bright-eyed fresher with a previously undiscovered penchant for Jagermeister, many of you, St Andrews’ newest Jedi Apprentices, have set forth from your halls towards the bright lights of Market Street, expecting glitz, glamour, and to generally lark about like you’re in a 50 Cent music video.

Unfortunately, the words “glitz”, “glamour” and “something in St Andrews costing only 50 cents” are alien to this sleepy Scottish coastal town. Delicately sipping on your pint of Tennant’s river-water in the Union, you know you face only two possible options for putting your hands up in the air like you just don’t care, if you don’t want this evening to end with you tucked up in your jammie-jams catching up on last night’s episode of The Great British Bake-Off: cranking it up with Nemo and pals at Bar Catch, or a place where mortal men (and 4^th Years) fear to tread…THE LIZARD.

Now, for some, St Andrews’ premier, quote unquote, “nightclub” has passed into the realm of urban legend, akin to the Toastie Bar or the weird sex parties the KKC throws (probably). An experience you have to do at least once while you’re here and then live with the embarrassing after-effects for forever afterwards. But for some, once is never enough.  You see, like a moth to an over-used flame metaphor, I find myself drawn back time and time again to the Lizard. I have a demon inside of me, and I call him Mr Hyde (Away Your Dignity). This monster is only known to emerge in the deepest bowels of Ogstons Hotel and can reduce a student of otherwise sound, reasonable judgement who scoffs in derision at the very mention of the Lizard, into a shameless buffoon who wakes up the next morning with wrist-cramp from too much exuberant fist-pumping to the oeuvre of Monsieur Guetta.

I feel I can lecture then, with some authority, dear freshers, on helping you to avoid a similar curse as mine. Here then, are my top tips for surviving an ordeal at the Lizard:

1. Chin it, Freshaaaa

One does not simply buy a drink at the Lizard – the only establishment in St Andrews that makes Ma Bells look thrifty. If you don’t want to field alarmed questions from Dad the next time he opens his American Express statement, get as much pre-gaming as you desire out of the way BEFORE you stroll down Greyfriars Gardens.

2. Haul ass

As much as we would all like to delay the inevitable, you’d better hot foot it, sooner rather than later. Many a tale of woe has been told of idealistic freshers boasting that their mate on the door will sneak them and their palls in, only to arrive at ten past midnight to find the Black Gates of Mordor slammed shut in their faces.

3. Don’t be a tit (within reason)

Remember where you are: this is the Lizard, not the Billionaire’s Club in Monaco. Leave your pretensions at the door and embrace the glorious tackiness of it all. That means no suiting up in a room full of AU clubs out on their Wednesday Socials, and forget about the VIP area; that small glass cabinet will only make you look like Anthony Hopkins in his cage from Silence of The Lambs.

4. Don’t pin all your hopes of finding true love in there…

Nowhere is there a greater contrast than between the final scene of When Harry Met Sally and the average scenes on the Lizard dancefloor, which resemble battery farm chickens dry humping each other to oblivion.

5. If you’re going to get your freak on, don’t do it in full view of the DJ

When he’s not talking over every song, our man on the decks is much like Liam Neeson: he will hunt you, he will find you, and he will call you out. C’mon, you’re having a Lizard hook-up – do you really want to make this experience any more tawdry?

I hope this has been of some help to you, dear reader. For now, I must take my leave; the full moon approaches and I fear the beast will soon awaken.

Photo © Anna Gudnason