India Doyle: Hi St Andrews

Hi St Andrews! Welcome back to another year of XXcore studying and mentawl banter; I’ve got a good feeling about 2012/2013… To the Freshers: Welcome to what you think is a year of xcore studying and mentawl banter. You’ll only realise that it isn’t when you get older. I hope everyone had a great summer; I spent mine trekking through third world countries and saving the orphans.

I didn’t, but no doubt a few people did. Well done.

I have lots of advice for the Freshers, you don’t have to take it, but you should because it will help to make people like you.

1) You’ll arrive looking pretty normal. I did, but then you’ll drink a lot and discover two places called Empire and Dervish (I did this too). You’ll have some phenomenal discussions with your new found friends about what you ate there; who you were with; your favourite pizza…really intellectual stuff like that, all whilst slurping down some delicious hall curry. Yumm. Anyway, one day you will wake up and realise that you can’t fit into your trousers because you now look like this:

Some people call it the ‘freshers 15’, others call it the ‘freshers 50’; either way, it will sneak up on you like a third year boy trying to make you his daughter outside of the union.

On the other hand, if you already look like the hot piece of ass in the photo, you’re going to lose some weight. This is due to the fact that Tesco (and probably Sainsburys too) runs out of food on a daily basis. If you don’t buy your food by 7pm, you will starve. There is a place called Morrissons but it is on the other side of the world and it’s going to take you too long to waddle there. Just be prepared, that’s all I’m saying.

2) The library. Freshers, everyone will hate on you for being in this lofty establishment (and for never having to deal with the pre airport lounge decor). You’ll overhear a lot of people moaning about ‘why you have to take up all the space’, about ‘why you are studying at all when it doesn’t even count’. Yes, it will affront your sense of self worth as a serious student. But listen, do it. Get out. No one wants you there, and you’re taking up all the fucking room.

3) In lectures, never ever put your hand up. Your professor is 100 per cent more intelligent than you, don’t bother to try and catch him/ her out, it won’t work. There are also 300 people on your course who will judge you for acting like a smart arse, and no-one likes that.

4) Tutorials are awkward. The only person who wants to be in your first year tutorial less than your hungover self, is your tutor. 

5) START LOOKING FOR AN INTERNSHIP NOW OTHERWISE YOU’LL BE UNEMPLOYED. Just kiddin’, chillout guys, you’re 18 years old. 

6) Start reading The Stand on a daily basis. It will change your life.

No-one else needs my worldly wisdom, and although this patronising spiel is the most fun I’ve had all summer, I have a feeling that the Freshers will be too busy partaying in the Union bop, smeared in tribal paint, to heed my advice just yet anyway.